Friends With Benefits - What Was I Thinking???
By Cassondra Lynn, age 15, California
Many of you may already be familiar with the term "friends with benefits", but for those of you who are not, I'll explain: a friend with benefits is a person who believes that sex can be experienced between two people without love or commitment. So FWB (friends with benefits) is basically two friends who have sex whenever they want.
Now I know what you're thinking: "FWB? Sounds like a sl** to me." Fine. That's your opinion and you have the right to it. But before you judge me, let me explain my story.
I have no problem with messing around with a friend ... correction: I had no problem. A friend and I got to talking one day about sex and relationships. He was sweet, funny, cute, a "nice guy". He told me that he'd never had a FWB before, and neither had I. We were both virgins, although we each had some experience. We started to mess around a few days later, just touching, experimenting, exploring. Fun stuff, right?
And then mistake number one: I fell in love.
My FWB was just too charming, too perfect of a guy. Over time (about 6 months), my "crush" on this boy became more and more obvious. The more obvious it became to him, the more he ignored me. Our daily sessions soon became weekly, then monthly, and soon after that, I was lucky to get a hug out of him.
But as many of you know, the more a crush (or in my case, a love obsession) moves away from you, the more you hang onto and need him or her.
Now I had always believed that virginity is sacred. I never planned on waiting until marriage, but I had always thought that I'd give it to someone I'd want to remember for the rest of my life. But as my love slipped away from me and I became more and more depressed, I got desperate. I needed to find a way to win him back, to bring him back to me. It wasn't the sex that I wanted; it was his company. I texted him and told him that I wanted to meet him after school. After a few protests, he agreed.
Mistake number two: I gave him everything.
Don't feel sorry for me. He asked if I wanted to go all the way, since we never had before, and thinking this would bring our friendship as close as it once was, I said yes. For some strange reason, I thought this would make him love me. I loved him ... I just couldn't understand why he didn't love me.
Which brings me to mistake number three: No protection.
It hurt so bad, I can't even explain it. But he enjoyed it for the most part, so I should've been happy, right? Wrong. I felt dirty. Used. And that night, when we were talking on MySpace, all his replies were one or two words ... no emotions. Not exactly what I had hoped for.
For the most part, I wanted to die. The boy I had once loved I now had a sudden hatred for. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. It even hurt to breathe at times.
And then my period was two weeks late. Death seemed too good to be true.
Cutting became a new obsession, and drinking became a daily escape. I was spiraling downward and no one could save me. My parents wondered, but they never asked. My friends knew what was going on, but couldn't help me, even though they tried their best.
Then I told the boy about my late period. He freaked out. Suddenly he showed much more attention to me. The jerk never asked how I was feeling or how things were going. He pretty much just talked about himself. But he was talking to me. And I loved it. I loved the attention, as horrible as that sounds now.
But then on June 3rd I started my period. I was happy, but the boy had been stressing about the possible pregnancy. It was torturing him. I loved that. In my mind, the jerk deserved it.
Which brings me to mistake number four: I told him I took a pregnancy test. Positive.
I know it was wrong, and I know it was low, and I know I'm scum for stooping to that level. But I did it. I regret it. But still I did it. Guilty as charged.
So every night for a week, this boy and I talked about the possibility of a baby and what we were going to do about it. I loved talking to him. Everyone reading this can see the gaping hole in this situation, but at the time I was happy talking to him and happy torturing him.
As you might have noticed, I was pretty mentally unstable at this point. Family problems and my "pregnancy" drove me to run away from home. I was picked up by the cops that night, but I didn't care. One day alone was all I needed.
Soon, the cavernous holes in my story appeared to the boy and he started to suspect something was up. I finally came clean and told him everything. He hated me. No surprises there. But I still loved him. I still wanted to talk to him.
I know how stupid I must sound, and I know that these were huge mistakes. I've never forgiven myself for them. I know I'll probably get a bunch of nasty messages because of this and I welcome them with open arms.
I hated myself with a passion. Until I heard his side of the story. You see, he and I have the same best friend. This best friend told the boy (in a MySpace message), "So you and Cassondra aren't even friends anymore?"
This is his actual reply: "Well, now I have nothing to gain from being her friend."
So basically, if you still haven't gotten it yet, he only acted like my friend for sex, and once he got it, he left. This is probably all my fault and everything, seeing as how I agreed to be a FWB.
It still hurts. The words "I have nothing to gain from being her friend" literally screams inside my head sometimes. I still cry at my own stupidity.
I have realized how lame all this sounds. I messed up and I got hurt. But I want everyone to be aware: friends with benefits are only trouble. Random sex makes you feel used and sick. I have given up that life, even though I did go through a phase of random sex after all this happened. I am now in a healthy relationship with a boy who respects me and my wishes.
Sometimes you fall for the wrong person. Sometimes you lose your mind. Just remember that happiness is never too far away, and sometimes waiting is just what you need to do. Never think that you have to give yourself to someone just to feel love or attention, because you don't.
I hope this story urges you to come out and tell your own story. I would love to hear opinions from readers. I also thank Sweet Designs for giving me a chance to let my voice be heard.