Six Months Ago:
Why You Should Hold On a Little Longer
By Cassondra Lynn, age 15, California
So much has happened in the last few days ... especially yesterday. I can't believe I was so happy yesterday morning. And here I am now, running away. =[ How far do you think I can get? I'm gonna get outta here, leave Nash and Samantha something in the alley, go to Planned Parenthood, and then run. Far away, until I get caught, which I know is gonna happen. I can't believe I'm doing this. I most likely will get caught before it gets dark outside ... my parents will be looking for me, they'll call the cops ... I don't care. After yesterday, they deserve it. I deserve this. But a part of me doesn't deserve this ... a very alive part of me definitely doesn't deserve this. - Me, a note written to friends, June 4th, 2007
That day, I actually had the intention of killing myself. I was stuck. I had never been in as much pain in my life. I just wanted it to end. Cutting and alcohol wasn't helping anymore. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I can't explain the sensation. I was hurting bad, but a part of me was holding on to life.
Just 13 days later, I wrote this in my diary:
I admit to making bad choices, but I've been obsessively trying to change. But I'm not changing for the low lives who try to ruin me or talk sh** about me or use me. I'm changing for myself, for society in general, and for the ones who actually give a damn about me, because the biggest thing I've realized is: Why should I change for the ones who don't deserve me when I have such amazing people who love me and want me to change to help myself?
Now I've changed for those people who care. I am so much less naive, so much stronger. Instead of putting my heart in the hands of a boy whose only goal in our "relationship" is to "get some", I currently have the best boyfriend in the world, whom I've been with for four months as of November 16th. He honestly saved me and is trying his hardest to mend my wounds as much as he can. I occasionally have bouts of depression and have cut myself several times over the course of this new relationship, but I have promised my boyfriend that I would stop.
So, if you're wondering why I have written all that, it's because of this: Don't give up just yet. You might be hurting and on the brink of suicide like I was, but everything will eventually turn around for the better. Really. The pain may never go away, but you will learn to live with it and use it to better yourself as a person. You will thank the person or people who hurt you someday. I know I do. They're the people who help you, believe it or not. They're the ones who will change you and make you the person you'll grow to be. And when knowing that doesn't satisfy your depression, remember how karma works, because believe it or not, it will get them some day.
"A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see that 'special' guy in an elevator and he is fat and smoking, and you can say, 'Long time no see'." - Phyllis Batelle.
As a side note, you don't need to show your pain through razor blades and vodka like so many of us have. Try poetry, music, art, dance, singing, photography, blogging, yoga ... anything! Trust me, expressing yourself is the best way to let go of your pain. When I'm sad, I play piano, write about how I'm feeling in my diary, or practice my ballet or jazz. Also, my boyfriend and I keep a journal which we each write, color, and doodle in, and give to each other to read. It helps keep us on the same page in our relationship. I highly recommend it. All you need is a lined school notebook, a pencil or pen, and maybe some crayons or colored pencils. It will bring you closer together.
So in short, don't jump to drastic measures. You'll get through it. Don't waste your time crying and cutting, although I know how hard it is to quit. Instead of sitting in the dark in pain, become an awesome guitar player, the school volleyball star, or just get involved in something to keep your mind off of it. If you try hard enough, you will feel better while broadening your horizons.
