Stupid Jerk Boy
By Natalie, age 18, Ohio
Stupid Jerk Boy (12:48:23 PM): its okay we all know me and u are gonna end up together
Confused Girl (12:48:32 PM): what?
Confused Girl (12:48:33 PM): lol
Confused Girl (12:48:48 PM): I haven't thought about that in a long time
Stupid Jerk Boy (12:49:22 PM): lol
Confused Girl (12:49:39 PM): I'd laugh, no joke. I'd really laugh
Stupid Jerk Boy (12:50:09 PM): if we end up together
Confused Girl (12:50:24 PM): yeah
Stupid Jerk Boy (12:50:36 PM): why is that funny
Confused Girl (12:50:46 PM): idk. Cuz after our whole ordeal, I just, figured we were done
Stupid Jerk Boy (12:52:46 PM): oh come on knowing us we're gonna end up together
It's after nights like this, when you look yourself in the mirror and scream about falling for the trick again, because he is still going to be 'Stupid Jerk Boy' in the morning and you are still going to be the 'Confused Girl' sitting at her computer trying to figure out what he was saying.
You can't tell someone you're going to be with them in the end. You can't make promises like that, and if you do, stop. Best friends and family are lifetime things, and even these things change. Love has to be real to be a lifetime thing, and I guess I can't really see finding a lifetime thing at such a young age.
Kiss the Girl, the movie version, just came on my iPod. I laughed a bit at first, and then I started thinking about the movie itself. If I could have my life be any Disney movie, which one would I choose? One where Prince Charming is an egotistical jerk and thinks it's cool to sing and drink beer? One where I get chased around by seven little men for the majority of my life, then I'm poisoned by an apple? I don't even like apples. One where I'm stabbed with a needle in my finger as a child and forced to sleep for eternity, waiting on Prince Charming to come kiss me? One where I am a mistreated stepchild who just happens to stumble upon a fairy godmother one day who decides she can make me into a princess with glass slippers and a pumpkin carriage? One where I'm a mermaid, trapped in a life I want to get out of? An Indian Princess, an Asian warrior ...?
When it comes down to it, I don't think I'd pick any of these movies. I want to be the girl who is the damsel in distress, but she doesn't need a guy to get her out of it ... she'll do it herself. You know how it is, right? He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. And you laugh, right? If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I think I've already won it. No man is worth the aggravation - that's ancient history. Been there, done that.
Abuse v. - 1. To use wrongly or improperly misuse: to abuse one's authority. 2. To treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight. 3. To speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
'Confused Girl' is me. She is the result of seven years of something she just came to think was a boy playing mind games with her. But, even if they were just mind games, it doesn't make the effects any different. It's like I was dreaming for seven whole years, and I finally just woke up. And then it became real, so I started writing about it. Writing about the hours upon hours I spent crying over words that were said. I spent seven years with a strict belief that abuse was always physical and nothing else.
And then when it was over, I realized he might not have been physically abusing me, but he was verbally and mentally abusing me. He took everything he could and turned it into a weapon that he used on me every chance he could get. He made it seem like I was doing something wrong. Let's be honest, I did nothing wrong. I was just a girl who swore she loved a boy who didn't love her back. True love is forever, and when I say forever, forever is what I mean. But seven years?
Obviously I'm not getting anywhere. They say if you love someone let them go, and if they come back, then it's real. He won't come back. When that finally set in, I'm glad that I got it into my stubborn head. If you love someone let them go, and if they come back, then it's real. That's what we're all looking for, right? Something real. I wished he were real. But I guess some things never change. He won't ever change.
I feel like things go so badly for so long that nothing is really the same. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart my insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. But he made me feel alive. He took away my fear and gave me hope. But more importantly, for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, he gave me every reason to stay. I should have known that because I feared it. It was obviously something that I needed to be afraid of. You can have every reason in the world to stay, but still need to leave. I guess that's just a fact of life. It sounds stupid, but it's easier being with someone who doesn't have the full ability to be with me the same way, only halfway giving my heart, knowing I'm not responsible for anything. Never being fully involved, therefore never being fully vulnerable.
I only hurt myself. I allow myself to get into a situation that has no good ending, because I am able to say "when" at the time I know I need to. But do you ever say "when" at the right time? It's like when you're playing Mercy. Do you say "mercy" when it starts to hurt, or do you hold on and bite your lip till you can't take it anymore, and then say it? You always hold on twenty times longer than you ever should because you believe deep down that maybe, just maybe, it will stop hurting and you'll be able to turn it around and switch it up. Not recommended, at least not in life, especially when you've hit the downhill, because once you start to crash and burn, you find it's inevitable to stop it. Now in Mercy things change, but that's just a childhood game you played on the playground to get the attention of the boy you liked or to make a point. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days, you know? When you giggled with your friends about the boy who was completely terrified of you, and then secretly before leaving school, he'd grab your hand. Haha, crazy stuff being a kid, not that I'm not still a kid, but you know what I mean.
So why is it that the girls who don't deserve to have boyfriends have them? Why do these girls get the guys we should have? And why do these guys just keep us as their best friends? I find it funny that the guys we should be dating are always our best friends afterward, and they never approve of us with any other guys, yet it's okay for them to be with other girls. Why shouldn't we date too? And the stupid guys we pick should be sucking up to us, trying to impress us and make us feel good about ourselves because they want us to be theirs. They should never make us feel bad about ourselves.
At this point, I'm sick and tired of being told that I'm just not 'that girl'. News flash, one of these days you're going to want me to be 'that girl', and I'm going to be with the guy who's wanted me to be 'that girl' all along. What will you do then? Go date all my best friends to make me jealous? Go for it. I won't care anymore. It's your loss in the end. It's every guy's loss in the end for passing up the girl who could have changed everything for them. They will learn that eventually. We're beautiful, all of us. We're smart, athletic, kind, and funny. We are the entire package. They would be lucky to have us. And we don't need them anyway, not if they don't treat us right.
So girls, keep your heads up. Forget the bad ones. There are too many guys out there for us to get upset over any one. Because not every guy out there is absolutely awful. Fight back, show them - we're the girls who are worth their time. Go out with your friends, have fun, dance, and sing. Go shopping, dance in your underwear to the songs you grew up listening to. Stay up all night and sleep all day. Have fun, be single, live it up! Because once you get tied down you aren't going to be able to run wild like that anymore. Show the boys who let you go what they're missing. Because they're certainly missing something. Find out who your true friends are, because they'll help you every step of the way.
When it comes down to realizing who those stupid jerk boys are in your life, make sure you remember who you are, and what you need. It's funny how guys always pick the girls you'd least expect them to, the ones who literally make you want to rip your hair out. It took me seven years to come to see what everyone else was trying to get me to see all along, and when I finally realized it, I needed to say something. So the conversation that started at the beginning ends down here.
Confused Girl (12:53:26 PM): Listen, don't say I love you if you don't mean it. Don't try to control my life, because I'm gonna get mad. Don't keep me holding on if you're just going to let go, and more than anything, don't tell me that I'm still something if you're just holding onto me in case something else doesn't work out. I'll become the worst person in your life. I will become crazy because, in my opinion, it's priorities and options, and the only thing I should be to you is a priority.
Confused Girl (12:54:00 PM): I am a priority, T----, and I should always be a priority.
Stupid Jerk Boy signed offline at 12:53:57 PM
Guess every girl has a time in her life when she's put in the situation where her heart and her head fight about what's right and what's wrong. And hopefully, it's the right choice.