The Ranting of a Closet Cynic

By Mariah, age 15, Minnesota

Walking upstairs, I notice the Christmas tree standing dormant in front of the living room windows. The plastic artificial evergreen remains idle with its adornment of cracked candy canes, a slightly grotesque scene. The counterfeit tree establishes a gloomy aura that incinerates happiness upon its attempted passage into my fiery home. The tree's volatile existence remains hidden as the snow begins to fade away, replaced by sporadic brown patches of Kentucky bluegrass. 'Tis proof of my procrastination.

I don't have any aspirations in life, however, if in some rather odd way you, for some reason, feel better about yourself due to my recent displays of cynicism. I consider this an indirect form of misanthropy on my part.

I have to admit this isn't my first attempt at writing a book; however, none of my "books" seem to advance past the pamphlet stage. I have already completed the task of embellishing the God-awesome title of this book with quotation marks to signify that, if all else should fail, as it obviously has, this literary unit shall end up morphing into a short story, thanks in part to my horrid time management skills.

You may thank me personally for not handwriting this book, due to my cryptic usage of cursive "writing" that is only readable by myself and a few elite others that were gifted with magnificent peepers. I accept gratuities in many forms, if you are in a generous mood. If you feel like sending fan mail, I accept that too. However, for safety precautions, refer to the phone book.

If, for some strange reason, you believe I come off as arrogant, selfish, or egotistical, your thoughts are simply misconstrued. I like to think of myself as the non-existent God's gift to the world. Yes, I've had some faults with religion. I've tried, yet have not failed, by any means.

Heaven just isn't ready to handle someone like me, but once I lock-pick those pearly gates, I shall be hanging out in the clouds ... possibly ... if it occurs to me upon being placed in my death box that there certainly is such a destination.

As I write this musing, my fellow comrades are engaging in a conversation that involves the comparison of cup sizes and bosom shapes. I find it hard to concentrate on MY story when THEY won't shut their traps.

Now, where was I? ... Ah, yes, hats.

I like hats. Hats are mighty fine. They have a way of keeping your head safe from possible infernos caused by nuclear fallouts, and they protect my rather large cranium from acid rain, flying monkeys, and the occasional sphincter-less fowl.

*runs off to steal candy from small children whilst humming a random Bob Dylan song (or Cat Stevens - can't decide)*

I am still stuck in this closet, yet I have no intentions of leaving this, possibly tentative, wardrobe receptacle, I guess one could call it.

I ... I ... I will try and camouflage my cynical identity by wearing my optimist mask to portray myself as a convivial figure. It takes a vast amount of physical and mental effort to cast a veil upon my cynicism to divert your attention to my fictitious displays of optimism. Yet, for some reason, my original acts of randomness and the ability to "connect" irrelevant paragraphs still remain solid, in my opinion.

Now, I must admit I do try extremely hard to keep intruders out of my closet. You know the type ... They're always trying to figure out what's wrong with you and how they can give you advice since they feel morally obliged to do so - this used to be me. However, ever since I have called this closet of mine "home", I have made good use of my time spent in this coffer by gathering my thoughts and evaluating my life.

*crumples up paper and throws it on floor*

Who am I kidding? To 'ell with evaluations and expectations, I want enlightenment!

I do not know what life has in store for myself. However, if I had the opportunity to find out, I'd probably be stuck somewhere in Scranton, Pennsylvania, near the security clearance while my flight takes off without me, somehow losing my baggage in the process. I do feel the need to be enlightened in some way, though, but not solely, by any means. I find that enlightenment is emitted from one human to another somehow ... It's hard to explain.

This poses a rhetorical question: Are my attempts to avert your attention from my cynicism to my potentially existentialist views on life working?

*picks up paper; uncrumples paper; struggles to read own handwriting on paper; throws paper on floor; rinses and repeats*

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February & March Magazine Issues

March 15, 2012

The February and March issues of Sweet Designs Magazine are now online, featuring a combined 53 new articles and features!!

- Cover: Stephanie Lynn reflects on 5 years
- Cover: India (of Darn-licious knitwear)
- Life in the dumps (moving in with my bf)
- The difference between men and women
- Angels among us (parts 1 and 2)
- Arts graduates & the dark night of the soul
- Triple threat (how I survived my teen yrs)
- Dating isn't easy (my true story)
- How to turn not-so-great gifts ... (fashion)
- Ten reasons to love being single
- Taking the big leap (college)
- Valentine's Day (not what you'd expect!)
- The last of the cold (hopefully) (fashion)
- A month full of love
- Ten tips for successful airline travel
- Reasons I love writing for SDM
- Who needs love?
- They're not all the same
- The life I'm glad I don't have (fiction)
- Professional dress/ finding Fendi (fashion)
- An airport anniversary: a true story
- Inappropriate Facebook photos
- The perks of a big city (college)
- A night(mare) to forget (part 2)
- The Anita Blake series (book review)
- Saving June by Hannah Harrington (book)
- Under the Mesquite by GG McCall (book)
- The Lullaby by Sarah Dessen (book)
- If I Stay by Gayle Foreman (book review)
- My sweetheart (original poetry)
- Isn't it funny (original poetry)
- The stranger (original poetry)
- A winter wonderland (original poetry)
- One night valentine
- The thick envelopes (college acceptance)
- Southern love
- Healthy hair and vitamins
- It's a date (dating idea alternatives)
- The 30 hour famine
- School's out forever!
- Marching right back into spring? (fashion)
- Dear John
- When TV shows depict your life
- 3 Fun ways to rock spring's hottest trends
- Neglected teeth
- Starting something new
- Guy movies
- To hesitate or dive in?
- Deadly, by Julie Chibbaro (book review)
- Beastly, by Alex Flinn (book review)
- I don't care (poetry)
- Together, alone (poetry)

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