Only in the USA
By Carly, age 16, Ohio
I was flipping through the channels on my uneventful Sunday (texting and myspace got boring and my hangover finally went away), only to find Miss USA 2009. Oh, how I could barely contain my excitement. Oh, how I too long for that stage. If I want to become a beauty queen I'd better start now. I am already so far behind. Girls are exiting the birth canal right now, and their mothers are slathering makeup and spray tan all over their tiny faces. I can't forget my hemorrhoid creamed legs wrapped in cellophane either. Cellulite would be so unsightly during the swimsuit competition. I should call last year's Miss Michigan and ask her how her teeth stay so white even with all the anorexia. Oh silly me, I forgot about veneers. I guess I'll just ask her for her Diet Coke recipes. I wouldn't want to get bored of my new best friend. I'll need Mr. Diet Coke if I plan on losing the 80 pounds I'll need to even be considered.
Now hmm, what's next on the list? Perhaps I should beg my parents for the boob job I so desperately need if I ever want to become a model, or maybe I should form my platform of ideals and community service I will wish upon the world. Embodying a hippie, I will have some photo shoots hugging some trees, but who am I kidding? I can't be wasting my precious time with these difficult tasks. I have to drive my daddy's SUV to the store and see if Aquanet is on sale.
The winner of Miss USA, or any pageant for that matter, will obviously not be the one to save the most kiddies in Ethiopia. The winner will be the one with the most sparkles showered over her new breasts in her ungodly expensive evening gown, and the one with the biggest hair. Right now I'm more than a few rhinestones short of a full tiara. Forget the boob job, I need everything fixed and I am very short on time. Do I add this to my list of community service? I've changed my hideous self to become more like my idols - that has to count. Every girl in America should long, like me, to be a Barbie in reality. Who is this Gloria Steinem that you want me to read? Reading is such a drag. I'll just have that one kid in my math class who practically drools over me read and explain it to me.
What is that, you say, she's insulting my pageant? How dare she. Why would anyone want to idolize her over Miss USA? She's obviously just some crazy old lady who's never done anything in her life. She's probably never been on stage either, because, let's be serious, she is not Miss USA material. How can you expect me to look up to someone who has never had an eating disorder, has never seen a plastic surgeon, and has never even worn a tiara?! She's never stood for anything in her life, I can tell. People following her would be sheer chaos. We cannot have crazy girls running around all willy nilly with the features they've been given at birth ... society would simply crumble! Gosh, this thinking has made me all sweaty. Gross.
It's time for me to go get my much needed beauty rest in my 400 thread count sheets and not think about all the unimportant third world children sleeping on the ground. They don't need sheets like me. I'm going to run for Miss USA 2010, and that's a tough job.
