Living with Suicidal Thoughts
Writer's Name Withheld by RequestAbout the age of 12 I had suicidal thoughts and issues along these lines. I used to be very shy about sharing this story, but I know teen suicides are growing rapidly. Attempt counts have grown so much in the last year. I want to take this opportunity to talk to you about the issues I had with suicidal thoughts, how I got out of it, and where I stand on it today.
Three or four years ago, at about age 12, I had a lot of problems. Three years prior to that my parents had gotten a divorce. This was a big reason for my thoughts. My parents had a lot of issues and I felt sucked into the middle of them. I felt as if my family was falling apart, out of nowhere, and so quickly.
Three years after the divorce my mom was in another relationship and my dad was starting into his own in a totally different state. I was living with my mom, and I felt as if my dad had abandoned me. I hadn't dealt with this well; it had been a rough time. This caused me to question my dad's love for me, and I questioned whether he cared if I were even still alive. It caused me to go into cutting, because, as many of you know from experience, it would relieve the emotional pain. Cutting led to drug overdoses, prescription type ones.
So here is the story of my suicide attempt: 12 years old, home alone, I got hold of a kitchen knife, and placed it in my room. I proceeded to my parents' medicine cabinet. I can't remember exactly the drug I took, but it made me very out-of-it, and very much sick. I went back to my room, while under the drug influence, and grabbed the knife in my hand. I started slicing my wrist till I bled and nearly lost consciousness. I tripped on an article of clothing in my room, and the knife dropped as I did. As both the knife and I were falling, I sliced and stabbed my stomach. I had quite a big gash in my lower stomach area. I was in pretty bad condition, but instead of thinking, "Call someone to get help," I thought, "Much better, a slow painful death, much better."
Then, I was truly blessed, because a friend of mine had felt something was wrong, and decided to come over and check on me. We were very close at the time and she had a key to my house. She walked in and came up to my room, and found me bleeding badly. She helped me onto my feet and took me to her house where her mom drove me to the ER. From that point on I kind of lost my grip on reality. All I can clearly remember is having 8 stitches in my stomach for my wound. They told me I had lost a lot of blood.
My story is hard to live with to this day. I see my scar on a daily basis, and yeah, it's hard, but it also reminds me of why I don't want to go back to that way. A week after the incident I went into counseling. This sort of helped, but you want to know what truly helped me? In all honesty, the Lord helped me through it. He was there for me through my whole healing phase. I became closer to him as I got better.
A few years after the incident I was considering going back to cutting, but thankfully with how close to him I'd become over those years I changed my mind.
The main advice I can give to you girls and guys who are dealing with this: Know you're not alone. Please take this from my story: Don't be afraid to ask for help. I was afraid, and I almost lost my life over it. Now, today, I know I am blessed that my friend found me and helped me. I wish I could change my past, but all I can hope for is a wonderful future. Get help if you have issues, no matter what is going on in your life.
Yes, I have written this anonymously, but I still want you all to know I understand your position, and what you're going through. Email our Sweet Advice Team for help if you need it - Stephanie Lynn still forwards urgent advice issues like this to us all. And also please feel free to email me at my anonymous email:
I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, and hope you think before taking your life. It's not easy, and I understand that, but don't go through it alone if you don't have to.