I'm Sorry

By April, age 26, New Jersey

i always wanted to know the truth, but i never knew that knowing would mean losing you. i want to disappear from this. sometimes...i even want to disappear with you.

a constant tug of war and then reality sets in. each day flows into the next, so softly and swiftly that i can't feel the time passing by. i thought this would be gone by now.

i find myself fading into you, even though you're not even here. how can that be? this doesn't make sense. but it never really did. and yet, it still happened. you happened.

and it was, and still is real. this isn't over. will it ever really be over? i want to disappear...into you.

I never forgot, no not once.
Not for one minute and not for one second.
Even after all these months.

i guess i'm waiting for this to end. i guess i'm waiting to be better than i am.
nothing has been the same. i'm not the same.

i'm sorry for not being the one to make this right. i'm sorry for letting you down the way others have.
but most of all, i'm sorry i lost the best part of me.

you were the motivation that kept me fighting.
you were my inspiration when i had no words left.
you gave me a purpose,
a silent reminder of why to keep trying, to keep pushing through.

i'm sorry for not being the same. for not loving you in the same way.
so many untold truths. i should have been true to you, before it spun out of control.
maybe i wouldn't be here. maybe you would still be with me.
you said you'd never leave. you said it would be ok.
i know why it isn't. i know why you aren't here.
it's all because of love.

you were able to walk away when i couldn't.
you let me down gently, lovingly.
i'm not sure if i can ever return the grace you showed towards me.
that was your last gift. a favor i haven't been able to return properly.
you did what i couldn't do.
because of love.

i'm sorry i can't do the same.
i wonder how this world is treating you. it can be so cruel and unkind.
i pray you are at ease. i pray life will help you along the way
and maybe one day, the love we felt, the love i still feel,
you will find again.
and though i never said these words out loud, and maybe never will,
i hope you are happy without me.

maybe one day this letter will find you. and i hope you can understand
i'm sorry for being selfish. i'm sorry for not loving you in the same way.
i'm sorry for thinking i had this under control,
but most importantly,
i'm sorry i lost my best friend.

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February & March Magazine Issues

March 15, 2012

The February and March issues of Sweet Designs Magazine are now online, featuring a combined 53 new articles and features!!

- Cover: Stephanie Lynn reflects on 5 years
- Cover: India (of Darn-licious knitwear)
- Life in the dumps (moving in with my bf)
- The difference between men and women
- Angels among us (parts 1 and 2)
- Arts graduates & the dark night of the soul
- Triple threat (how I survived my teen yrs)
- Dating isn't easy (my true story)
- How to turn not-so-great gifts ... (fashion)
- Ten reasons to love being single
- Taking the big leap (college)
- Valentine's Day (not what you'd expect!)
- The last of the cold (hopefully) (fashion)
- A month full of love
- Ten tips for successful airline travel
- Reasons I love writing for SDM
- Who needs love?
- They're not all the same
- The life I'm glad I don't have (fiction)
- Professional dress/ finding Fendi (fashion)
- An airport anniversary: a true story
- Inappropriate Facebook photos
- The perks of a big city (college)
- A night(mare) to forget (part 2)
- The Anita Blake series (book review)
- Saving June by Hannah Harrington (book)
- Under the Mesquite by GG McCall (book)
- The Lullaby by Sarah Dessen (book)
- If I Stay by Gayle Foreman (book review)
- My sweetheart (original poetry)
- Isn't it funny (original poetry)
- The stranger (original poetry)
- A winter wonderland (original poetry)
- One night valentine
- The thick envelopes (college acceptance)
- Southern love
- Healthy hair and vitamins
- It's a date (dating idea alternatives)
- The 30 hour famine
- School's out forever!
- Marching right back into spring? (fashion)
- Dear John
- When TV shows depict your life
- 3 Fun ways to rock spring's hottest trends
- Neglected teeth
- Starting something new
- Guy movies
- To hesitate or dive in?
- Deadly, by Julie Chibbaro (book review)
- Beastly, by Alex Flinn (book review)
- I don't care (poetry)
- Together, alone (poetry)

Sweet Designs Magazine
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