By April, age 26, New Jersey
i always wanted to know the truth, but i never knew that knowing would mean losing you. i want to disappear from this. sometimes...i even want to disappear with you.
a constant tug of war and then reality sets in. each day flows into the next, so softly and swiftly that i can't feel the time passing by. i thought this would be gone by now.
i find myself fading into you, even though you're not even here. how can that be? this doesn't make sense. but it never really did. and yet, it still happened. you happened.
and it was, and still is real. this isn't over. will it ever really be over? i want to disappear...into you.
I never forgot, no not once.
Not for one minute and not for one second.
Even after all these months.
i guess i'm waiting for this to end. i guess i'm waiting to be better than i am.
nothing has been the same. i'm not the same.
i'm sorry for not being the one to make this right. i'm sorry for letting you down the way others have.
but most of all, i'm sorry i lost the best part of me.
you were the motivation that kept me fighting.
you were my inspiration when i had no words left.
you gave me a purpose,
a silent reminder of why to keep trying, to keep pushing through.
i'm sorry for not being the same. for not loving you in the same way.
so many untold truths. i should have been true to you, before it spun out of control.
maybe i wouldn't be here. maybe you would still be with me.
you said you'd never leave. you said it would be ok.
i know why it isn't. i know why you aren't here.
it's all because of love.
you were able to walk away when i couldn't.
you let me down gently, lovingly.
i'm not sure if i can ever return the grace you showed towards me.
that was your last gift. a favor i haven't been able to return properly.
you did what i couldn't do.
because of love.
i'm sorry i can't do the same.
i wonder how this world is treating you. it can be so cruel and unkind.
i pray you are at ease. i pray life will help you along the way
and maybe one day, the love we felt, the love i still feel,
you will find again.
and though i never said these words out loud, and maybe never will,
i hope you are happy without me.
maybe one day this letter will find you. and i hope you can understand
i'm sorry for being selfish. i'm sorry for not loving you in the same way.
i'm sorry for thinking i had this under control,
but most importantly,
i'm sorry i lost my best friend.