By April, age 26, New Jersey
I never meant for you to fade away. You were my white knight. My Romeo. So many things I should have said. So many times I tried just to fail, each and every time. And as you walked away, I realized I was living the movies that I watched time and time again. The hero walking off into the sunset, your footsteps blown away by the same warm breeze that caresses my skin. I look back just to see that you're already gone. Empty. Uncomfortably numb. I don't know where to turn. I don't know where to go from here. The only thing I do know is I just lost my best friend.
The ground is cold, but not as hard as I expected. Or maybe I just couldn't feel it anymore. Maybe my tears softened the blow as I landed on my knees in disarray. How did this happen? But I already knew the answer to this question and now I'm left to deal with all the uncertainty and in-betweens. Faith is fading. It isn't here when I need it most. That's a lie. I need you the most and the more I need, the more faith fades until I'm left questioning everything I've ever known.
But did I really know anything? Have I ever? I'm convinced that the shattering of my world has opened my eyes more than anything that was ever taught to me. And yet is that enough? Knowing truth. Seeing beyond the lie. No. It's never enough. Because we always want more. We crave it like salvage beasts willing to destroy others that mistakenly come across our path. We are willing to destroy ourselves in the process because we are never satisfied.
Love. The cure for all. What happens when you can no longer feel it? It becomes as distant as your shadow glistening in the sun. Faint glow of what appeared to be something I once knew. Long before who I am now.
Who am I? I thought I knew. I thought I was clever. I had this all figured out. Just to find I don't know a damn thing. I wish I knew how this story ends. And it's in that moment that I take a glimpse up into the heavens, looking for a sign. And that's when it hits me. I don't want this to end. This story isn't over. It never really will be. And for once, I'm reassured. I'm secure. Even if it's just for a moment. Sometimes the difference between living and surviving, are those tiny, self-assured moments.