It's My Life
By Serina, age 17, Pennsylvania
A day does not go by that I still don't feel very sad, confused, and helpless. Yet another side of me is happy and ready to see what the future brings. Growing up with only a brother, a mother, and a dad who has been in and out of jail my whole life, times were very hard and stressful, not only for me, but for my family also.
Having a dad who was not always there because drugs and alcohol became more of life for him than being there for us was very rough. When I was 5, and school was starting, I never wanted to go. My mom was the only person I ever wanted to be around because she was the only one there for me. Trouble with going to school still played a part in my life until I became 9, due to the fact that I started to suffer from depression because I always wanted to have my dad right there with us, but it never happened.
As the years went on and I moved up in grades, I started to realize I was struggling in school and still not very happy at times. Being a half & half (Latina and white), struggling with a weight problem, always having to wear thick glasses, and having some learning trouble made me feel even worse about myself. Being picked on most of the time and not having many friends made me hate school and my life even more.
When I turned 15, I met "him," the boy I thought I could love forever. We dated for almost three years, and I'm now pregnant. When I turned 16 my life felt like it was starting to crumble. The more time I spent with him, the more I stopped caring about what I did and what would ever happen to me. When I thought my life was bad, only the worst started to come out. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt my mom, because all I wanted to do was whatever I felt like, whatever I needed to do to be happy with myself and with him.
From that night on, trouble and the law played a part in my life for about two years. I spent a week in a juvenile detention center, and it felt like I wouldn't be able to live with myself for hurting my mom. Although I thought my boyfriend was the best, things only got worse with him also. Drugs started to pop up with him, and soon enough with me also.
When I reached 11th grade I quit high school, due to the fact that all I wanted to do was just get high every day because it seemed to be the only help for me at the time. It felt like the drugs took my pains and worries away, even though all I was doing was hiding them.
But as the days went by, I still never stopped thinking, Why? Why me? Why do I have to be like this?
This past year, he started to treat me wrong, letting his friend bully me, and he did not do anything about it. He wouldn't call for weeks because he was partying with friends and sleeping in motels with druggies and strippers - it really made my stomach turn. I became so sad and upset and angry that I decided to end it all by overdosing. I spent a week in the hospital trying to get help with all the problems that led me to this point.
Although he did not call once to see if I was okay, I still had love for him. I spent Christmas evening at his house. That night he did the lowest thing I think a guy or person could ever do to someone they supposedly loved. He told me he would come spend the rest of the night with me at my house if I would have sex with him. I really didn't want to, but I'd have done anything just to have him still be my boyfriend and to get him away from his hateful friends.
So it happened, and then he told me when it was time for me to go home that he was not coming with me. He was going out with his friends because he wanted to party.
From that night on I did not speak to him for almost three weeks because I was just so sad and angry at him. Within these three weeks I started to feel sick, until I went to the doctor's and found out I was pregnant. From that day on I realized my life was going to change forever.
I'm 17 now. Things still aren't they way I want them to be, but as I sit here now and think about all I have gone through in life, it really isn't what you call horrible. It was how I handled my problems that made it hard. What I know now is it doesn't matter who you are and what you look like or what your lifestyle is, you just need to be you, and be happy with who you are and where you come from. And if you're not happy, and feel hurt, sad, and helpless like I did and still do, don't be afraid . You can make it through anything, like I did, just by doing what's right and asking for help. No one said life would be easy, but it can be fun and all worth it if you do what's right and don't let anything stand in your way and bring you down. Hold your head up high, be strong, be proud, and most of all, be you.
