First Love, First Kiss
By Mckayla, age 15, Canada
Sweet Designs Featured Writer
I had almost finished grade 10 - still no boyfriend. No guys were chasing me around. I decided to give up and continue chasing a boy I had liked since elementary school. His name was Ben,* and we had dated before. There was just something about him that kept me around, but sooner or later I knew I would have to move on.
I had decided to try to move on from Ben. I remember in April driving in the car with my dad. The movie, The Last Song was in theatres, and I was dying to see it. I asked my dad to take me to see it, but he refused. We sat in silence, and I said, "I'm going to find a nice boy at my school, and he'll take to me to see it." My dad replied with a simple, "Okay", and we sat in silence the rest of the way home. Just a few days later I found that nice boy, even though we never saw The Last Song together.
His name was Ryan.* We had met and become friends in our math class semester one. He was also in my civics class during second semester, the semester I was in at the time. I had never thought much about him. He sat behind me in math and annoyed me. I only saw him as a friend, but I remember I would get feelings for him once and awhile. I really fell for his personality. I would always let the feelings go, because I didn't think he liked me.
I was on MSN one night, and Ryan signed on. I exited the little icon that popped up in the corner of my screen showing he signed on, and continued doing what I was doing. Just a few minutes later another icon popped up in the corner showing that Ryan had messaged me. I clicked the window at the bottom of the screen that was blinking orange, and the conversation opened. Ryan greeted me with a simple "hey". I remember I was at my screen, smiling like a loser over him just saying "hey" to me. I typed back to him, and the conversation went on from there.
We stayed up till almost 11:30 pm on a school night talking on MSN. I told him about my life and a bit about me. He told me about himself as well. I remember asking him for guy advice, and telling him how self-conscious I was when it came to guys. I told him how I didn't like myself, and he replied with, "Why? You're beautiful." I think that was the point I really fell for him.
We continued talking every night on MSN. We also exchanged numbers, and we would text all the time. He was the sweetest guy ever and said the sweetest things. Even though I was falling for Ryan, Ben was still there in the back of my mind.
I remember the night Ryan and I both admitted to liking each other. It was only a week after we started seriously talking. I was so happy that someone actually liked me, and that I could like someone other than Ben, but a while later things started getting weird. I still had feelings for Ryan, but I didn't want to give up on Ben. I told Ryan about Ben - the whole story. Ryan was in a similar situation with a different girl, so we both understood each other, but on April 23rd I decided it was time to give up on Ryan and stick with Ben. I was in history class, stressed to the max. I opened up my cell phone and sent a text to Ryan telling him that I changed my mind about him, and that I couldn't like him anymore cause it was stressing me out. He said he would wait for me, but I didn't want him to. I went to my best friend's house that night and I cried. I knew I had hurt Ryan. I got depressed over it till I made myself sick.
The next day I woke up and went home. I was still depressed, but I kept telling myself it was for the best. I opened up my phone to see a text from Ryan. Even when I think about the text today, I still smile. It said, "'Hey Jude' came on the radio today, and I thought of you." 'Hey Jude' was my favourite song. I ignored the text and turned my phone off for a few days so I could avoid Ryan. A few days went by and I found myself still stuck in the depressive state I was in, and thinking about Ryan all the time. I missed his sweet texts and being able to talk to someone, but I was still so confused. One night I wanted to call him to talk, but I held back.
It was the end of the month when Ryan and I started to talk again. I told him how sorry I was and he forgave me. I was happy again. I invited him over to my house. He agreed to come over. We both couldn't wait. I still remember the first time he came over like it was yesterday. I was shaking. I was so nervous. I gave him a tour of my house, then we sat on the couch upstairs with my twin sister, Mackenzie. We didn't talk much. It was awkward, but by the end of the night we were so comfortable with each other.
Weeks went by and we hung out every weekend. I remember one weekend very clearly. It was May 15th, a Saturday, and Ryan had spent the day at my house. We were already really comfortable with each other by then. It was 10:00 pm, and it was a clear night. I had asked Ryan and Mackenzie if they would want to sit outside with me under the stars. They agreed. I sat down on the grass and Ryan sat beside me. We held hands and looked at the stars together. I couldn't have been happier. We sat there for a long time, then headed back in.
We went downstairs and sat together in silence. I was nervous because I knew we were going to have our first kiss. Not only would it be "our" first kiss, but it was my very first kiss with anyone. I looked at him, and he looked at me. He was going to be leaving, so out of nowhere I said, "We should kiss." I regret saying that, because it made it more awkward than it should have been. We saw the lights of his parents' car shine through the window, and I quickly looked at him again. He leaned in and kissed me. I let my nerves take over; it didn't go as planned.
Two days after that weekend, we started dating, I was worried about how it would go. From day one I remember thinking, "The next step is breaking up." I wanted us to last for a long time, but in the end, we didn't. Three weeks was enough. A week before we broke up I was getting weird feelings. I kept thinking he wasn't happy, and that he didn't want to be with me. I confronted him, and he told me that he was happy and that he wanted to stay with me. I felt bad all the time because we didn't kiss a lot because of the first kiss incident. I was self-conscious about kissing. He didn't know this, but I'd always held myself back in our relationship. I was scared. I think that's the main reason why it ended.
Ryan came over to my house the day before we broke up. When he was at my house everything was fine, but it was still tense. The next day it happened - it was June 7th. I was at school, and Ryan didn't come see me at lunch. He didn't walk me to class. I knew something was up. I was stressed all day, and I kept thinking about it. That night I went onto MSN. He came online, and I told him we needed to talk. I wanted to call him, but I knew I would cry. I came straight out and asked him, "Do you want to be with me?" and it went on from there. I remember I cried all night because I knew it was over for good. My heart was broken. I only got two hours of sleep that night - memories I had with him kept replaying in my head.
It's been over two months now - two months that Ryan and I have been broken up. I wish I could say we are friends now, but we aren't. I still think about him sometimes, and I still wish things could have worked out. I always tell myself that heartbreak is just a part of growing up, which it really is, and we all have to know it is. Ryan and I are both moving on, and I try to remove him from my mind as much possible. Ryan will always have a place in my heart, and I know that years from now when "Hey Jude" comes on the radio, I will flash back to the night in my front yard when we spoke too little and lay under the stars.
* names have been changed.