Discovering Your Orientation
By Pamela, age 26, South Africa
Sweet Designs Featured Writer
But lately I've started really, really fancying this girl. She's my boyfriend's little sister, and I feel like crying. She looks like a boy, so maybe that could be it? But I thrill on her being a girl, and I could never do anything on my boyfriend, but I'm so confused what to think. I feel like I am more sexually attracted to her than him. She's just so cool - and hot. Maybe another bit of the attraction is that she's off limits? But what do I do? Ignore these feelings forever? And does this make me bisexual? Because I've had sexual feelings for two other girls, but not strong ones compared to this. I really don't know what to do. Even if I am 'bi' I don't see how I could come out. People have this view that bisexuals are "gays in denial" or attention seeking. I'm not. I'm not even sure if I am yet!! Help?
Thanks for sharing, Katie. It's obvious that you're very conflicted at the moment. The teenage years are a very confusing time, so know that you are not alone. Teenagers go through an enormous period of growth and self-discovery and it's a time to learn about yourself and get to know who you are. I know that this is a controversial topic and so I understand why it's stressing you out so much. I think at age 15 you are still learning about yourself and perhaps trying on different identities to see which one fits. In time you may find out that you are in fact bi, or you may come to see yourself as heterosexual. The point I'm trying to make is that at your age it's too soon to tell. You may grow out of the feelings you're having or you may lean more towards them. I don't think you should ignore your feelings, but you should not tell your boyfriend or try and pursue a relationship with his sister. I would give the same advice if you liked your boyfriend's brother. It would devastate him and probably damage his relationship with his sister. It could be as you say that the attraction is because she's off limits.
What you need to do is focus on yourself. Don't worry too much about it because you are still the same person no matter your sexual orientation. I think in time the answer will become clear to you, and you will just know if you are bi or straight. A lot of teens do go through a period of confusion about their sexuality, but after a while it becomes more obvious to them. I don't think you should label yourself before you even know who you are. It would do you good to talk to your school counselor about it because it will be confidential. But maybe don't tell other people about how you are feeling until you are certain yourself. Just relax and focus on school and your friends and it will all work itself out. Good luck!