Cool Friend Threatens Our Relationship;
Walk Away from "Frienemies"
By Clarissa, age 21, Texas
I have been with my bf for 17 months now. We have had a troubled relationship due to many factors, but here is how it basically is: we text every day and talk, and see each other a couple times a week for 2 hours each time. We don't have sex, and I am in university, so I am looking forward to a good future. He, on the other hand, is taking it day by day, working as a roofer, and has no idea what he wants to do.
My major problem is his best friend's girlfriend. He has been dating her for 3 weeks, and they have done it all. She always goes to the gym and swimming with them, goes motocrossing with them, and they have sex. This gets me intimidated and jealous 'cuz my bf said she's cool and he always seems to like hanging out with them. I feel that this is ruining our relationship, but I cannot tell him this. How can I stop being jealous?
Thank you very much :D
Jealousy is a problem that a lot of relationships have to overcome. I encourage you to get over it soon. Jealousy is like a poison or a cancer. Eventually it will consume your relationship and suck the life out of it.
First things first. Your boyfriend is going to have friends of the opposite sex, just like you will. That is why there has to be trust and open communication between the two of you . Notice I said two - his friend's girlfriend has nothing to do with what goes on in your relationship. Don't make him feel guilty for having a friend because it will only push him away. My suggestion to you would be to get to know the girl - maybe you should spend more time with her.
Also, if your boyfriend enjoys swimming and motocross, maybe you could try to incorporate time in your schedule for these activities. In a relationship confidence will be your best friend. You should know without a doubt that your boyfriend loves you wholeheartedly and wants to be with you and only you. If you cannot say the same, then maybe you have some evaluating to do as far as your relationship is concerned. Don't put chains and fences around your love because it will only push him further away.
* * * * *
Okay, so I've been friends with this girl Rose since kindergarten. We became best friends in 5th grade. Then at the end of 6th grade she would tell me she was going to her cousin's house when she would go to Sally's house actually (our other friend). So when I found out I was mad, but she said that's why she didn't tell me. I told her I wasn't mad because of that. I was mad that she lied. So she said she would stop, but she still continued lying to me, almost like she didn't want me to have other friends too.
That summer we were still super close. But then she started sending me nasty texts. She would say it was a joke, but I felt like it had more meaning than that. Then when I didn't invite this girl to my birthday party she sent some texts too, but she was serious. She apologized the first time, but she's done it twice since then (once a month), and still no apology.
Then Rose spread rumors about me after I told her a secret. She changed my secret around so then everyone had to know the true secret. Then I was very mad because she told the people at the lunch table I had lice (which I didn't - she did - and I never told anyone!), so then everyone would sit at the other side of the table. Eventually two people told me, and I told them the truth. I don't know what got into me, but I screamed very loud at Rose because it hurt me when they would go to the bathroom and leave me at the table and not sit with me.
So last week I saw on Facebook Rose wrote how she hates when people butt in. Then everyone was agreeing. I immediately thought it was about me because everyone was acting weird. So I tried not to talk. Then they all were whispering, and before I knew it they were all going to the bathroom without saying anything. (That's where they talk about people.) So I went with my other friends, where I didn't have to pretend. I liked it with them, so when my "friends" got back to the bathroom I stayed with them. I could laugh and talk there!
So then, of course, the drama queens were whispering and staring, and then Emma came up to Allyssa (the girl I was sitting next to). She talked to her somewhere else. She told Allyssa that I had no reason to be mad, but they're sorry if they hurt my feelings. Alright, but then they said I don't talk enough! I can't win! But then some people started asking why I left them. Wow! They left me!
Then, when I got on the bus, I got more mean texts (from Rose & the girl who's been out to get me), and they told me not to sit with them anymore, and that they didn't like me. The girl told me Rose sent her this: "OMFG! I FREAKIN HATE HER. U GOTTA SAY SOMETHING. PLEASSSE TELL HER THAT NOBODY LIKES HER." And this is how the girl responded to Rose: "yup! she's a f***ing b**** [SDM has chosen to delete the remainder of this message]".
Rose told me she needed space and that everyone was happy she was telling me that. She told her mom the whole thing, who told my mom, but she made it sound like Rose was the nice one. Rose told her mom that the girl was making everyone choose sides, and that everyone was being mean to me when it was really mostly her.
There's a lot more mean things they said. I just told the girl who's out to get me to delete my number (which she got from Rose, not me!), and she wouldn't. I told Rose if she wanted her space and thought I was annoying, then I would keep out of her life. Then, she texted me a 6 page response, so I will try to summarize it. She said the girl put her in the middle of it and she didn't know what to do, so she told me to stop. She said she had the worst headache and the girl didn't want me and Rose to be friends. She said that she was the one telling them to stop, along with my other friend. (Both of them complained that I butt in too much). She said they were thinking of plans to ditch me and stuff, and the girl was making me choose sides. She said she wanted to be friends - I still love her (as a friend), but I HATE her too.
The other girl and Rose can't hang out anymore because of Rose's mom. And Rose and another girl were like the other girl's only friends - and she calls ME a loser!! What should I do?
PLEASE! help me!
It sounds to me as if you are going through a "frienemy" situation. These days it is hard to find true friendships that can exist without the drama and pettiness that tend to consume our lives. I was in a friendship circle like the one you described and I can understand how draining this must be emotionally and physically. The best thing I ever did was to walk away. I no longer associate myself with that group of girls and it was the best decision I ever made. The sad truth is, not everyone has good intentions towards you, and a lot of people do not know how to be a friend to someone else.
Surround yourself with individuals who laugh, smile, and take in every part of life with optimism. There is not enough time in our short lives to fill it with drama and pointless arguments. I am sure that you are a wonderful person who deserves the best of friends, so don't be afraid to let go of the negativity and embrace the positivity.