I Think I Have Depression
By Clarissa, age 21, Texas
Sweet Designs Featured Writer
Also, one thing I get a lot is voices in my head. They scream things at me and I can't concentrate, and I want them to shut up but they don't. It makes it hard for me to understand what I actually think and how I feel. When people ask me how I feel, there are just no words that could physically tell them. However, when I look back on these phases I realise that what I was actually doing was blowing all the bad things that were happening to me out of proportion so they seemed ten times worse and blocked out all the good things. But when it comes back round again I do exactly the same thing and I don't realise it.
Also, I draw myself away from my family and begin to hate them. Because of this I get myself into a lot of trouble and it makes things worse. I don't want to tell anyone I think I have depression in case I don't, because as I said it's not a permanent thing. But my parents have become worried about some of the things I do, like I wrote 'die in your sleep' above my bed over something stupid. I just need help because it is the only thing on my mind and it's stopping me from concentrating on more important things. Please help!!!
I am glad that you wrote the magazine asking for help. At 14, you are at such a precious age and there are so many wonderful things you have to live for. We all deal with different experiences throughout life; it is just all in the way we handle them. As you mentioned earlier in your letter, there are a lot more good things that you just can't forget about that do overshadow the bad things. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Many young people and even adults can probably relate to what you are going through.
This is the time when you need to cling closer to your family, friends, and peers. If you feel that the feelings of depression and suicide are becoming too overwhelming I would strongly encourage you to open up to your parents about your situation. The people that love you will support you and want to do everything in their power to make sure that you are ok. I would encourage you to tell them that you want to seek the help of a professional doctor/therapist. There are various forms of treatment for depression; it is just all about finding out what works best for you. In the meantime, I just want you to know that your life is valuable and that you are special.
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Relationship with an Older Man
When I was in high school I had a relationship with an older man, 10 years older than me. It was stupid, and I regret it, but I loved him. We spent nights together and hung out all the time. No one knew about us. But after a while, things went bad. We stopped talking and seeing each other. He constantly avoided me. It's not like I don't understand why, because I do. But I truly did love him.
It's been a few years since then. About 6 months ago he messaged me apologizing. I never replied. But about a month ago, a friend of his died. I wanted to send my condolences to him, but I'm not sure if I should even talk to him. I want to be friendly. We were so close. But I'm afraid I still love him. I didn't want him in my life anymore because it was so hard and put me through depression, but at the same time I want him back in my life. He wasn't just someone I loved and spent a summer with, but he was my best friend. He understood me, and I told him everything. I keep telling myself to leave it alone, leave it in the past. But it would be rude if I didn't at least recognize the fact that he lost someone close to him. But I feel like if I do, we might start talking again, and it might bring up more drama.
I want to just admit everything to him. I already told him how badly he hurt me a year ago. But I hate wondering every day if it meant anything to him. I could have sworn it did. I thought he felt the same. I just don't know what to think anymore.
I think at one time most of us girls have done the older guy thing, or at least thought about it! I am not sure all of what happened in your relationship, but from your description of saying it was hard and put you through depression I cannot imagine that it was healthy. Another concern of mine is the fact that you said no one knew about the two of you. I am not sure if this was because of the age difference or other factors, but for me that's a red flag right there. As stated before, I am not sure of everything that took place in your relationship, but from the things you have disclosed about it I think that you are better off without him. It is hard to help whom you fall in love with and sometimes we get attached to people who aren't necessarily what we need in our life. Those are the times when we have to be strong and just realize that it is ok to love someone from a distance.
If you feel like you need closure, then I think this is a conversation you should have with him. Sometimes the easiest way to move on is just to move on. My advice for you would be to let him know that you are sorry about the loss of his friend and leave it at that. When you are confident that you can talk to him without the resurgence of feelings and emotions, then maybe that would be a time to go over your thoughts about how the relationship went and work on healing the friendship.