The One Who Saved My Life
By Elizabeth, age 21, Pennsylvania
At a certain point I thought I was feeling better and decided to stop taking my medication. For anyone who doesn't know, one is supposed to gradually come off depression medications, not stop it all of a sudden. What happens if you do is you'll feel 10 times more depressed than before - and suicidal. That's just how I felt, getting worse and worse, then I went to what I thought was best, cutting myself severely on my arm and thigh.
One day, I felt like seriously killing myself. Alone in my room, I was thinking about how to do it, and then I went to the bathroom and began to cut myself severely which I had never done before. At that point I felt like something or someone was telling me that I needed to get help if I wanted to get better, so I called my brother who is a Christian. He was on his way to New York when we spoke. He had a feeling that something was seriously wrong, though all I had said to him was "What are you doing?"
He turned around and headed to my house, and along with him was a pastor's wife. They began to pray for me, but I felt something evil inside that just wanted to swear to God because of everything that I'd gone through from friends betraying me, cancer, depression, pain, addiction to prescribed medication, and my physical appearance. They later told me that what they saw was pure evil, then in tears I showed mom my arm. The feeling of hurting myself doesn't even match up with the hurt that I inflicted on my family.
I went to church for the first time voluntarily. My heart was pounding. I had so many mixed emotions, feeling hatred, envy, and jealousy, but mainly like killing myself. I grabbed a notebook and wrote down exactly what I was feeling.
As time passed, I realized that God could help me spiritually, but physically I needed to go to rehab. That same night I was admitted. As I was waiting in a holding room for 24 hours till being transported to the rehab, I was alone with just my Bible, and once I picked that Bible up and read it I couldn't drop it - a sense of peace and comfort was all I felt.
Once in rehab, I was roommates with a young girl my age. I met so many people, and in a way we became the closest family. I was really close to one guy. He and I would get up just to hang out with each other. He was the complete opposite of me. I was beginning to look at life as a good thing. He would look at it as death, but somehow we clicked. Later on, I found out that my roommate was also a Christian. I knew that was God. He placed me at that rehab for a purpose, which was to help the others by talking about the word of God.
When I was released from rehab, I began to live life the way I used to by being in and out of church, and I didn't pray as much or read the Bible as much as I should have. So, once again, I ended up in rehab again for wanting to commit suicide.
I couldn't concentrate, and I had to drop all my classes for that semester in college due to my epilepsy, which I had been diagnosed with earlier that year. About a month or two later, I continued to be in and out of church, saying, "I'm tired," "I'll go tomorrow," or basically just saying "What's the point? I can read the Bible at home." So I was still living my life for me, but when you accept Christ you're admitting that you're a sinner and you're asking for forgiveness (which he will always do as long as we are ready to hand in our will and do God's will).
One day a speaker came to the church, and God used him to tell me that "It's time to change; this is your last chance." That message stayed with me for days, and I began to analyze myself. I decided that yes, it was time to change. I was tired of feeling alone, having an emptiness inside of my heart, feeling worthless, and wanting to have the joy that others have who serve God.
Since I reaffirmed my faith in Christ in March 2011 my life has been a dream come true. No more depression, hatred, envy, jealousy, or feeling alone. It's all gone - thank you, Jesus. I have begun to understand why I went through everything I went through. God has used me to spread the his word, even to strangers on the street. At first it was very difficult, but it's not impossible. There will be times when God tests his children to see if they have faith in him, and he will bless us in the end when our difficult times pass. Also, our faith grows more.
I hope I can make a difference for at least one of the readers of Sweet Designs Magazine. Feel free to contact me via the magazine. Stephanie Lynn will gladly forward your message to me and I will reply. Thank you so much, and God Bless.
