Dear Diary (Part 1)
By Charlotte, age 19, England, United Kingdom
Dear Diary, there's this boy ...
So I've recently gotten involved with a boy that I've known since last year and I'm already confused about where things are going. We're not "together" in the relationship sense, but with how we act around each other, I think we might as well be.
The only thing I'm really worried about is what will change when we become "in a relationship." When you become someone's girlfriend everything seems to change, and I don't think I'm really ready for the change and expectations that are to follow us officially getting together. Right now we do the whole holding hands things and a little cuddle here and there; it would be brilliant for me if we could just stay in that place for a while before we jump onto the next place. But, is that fair on him?
I'm not saying that I wouldn't like to be with him because I really would. He's a sweet guy and he seems to genuinely care about me, but at the same time I don't think I'm ready for the kind of commitment a relationship can require. It's only a matter of time before things get serious, and once you go down that road it's one expectation after the other, and it's not long until you're doing things simply because the other person wants them and, because I don't like disappointing people, I'll just go along with it. At least this way the only expectation is that we'll find time to see each other, and that's an expectation I'm comfortable with.
It's a hard decision to make because, while I don't want to feel pushed into a relationship, I also don't want to drag my feet so much that I lose someone I really want to be with. But then, part of me thinks maybe I'm just delaying something that I can't avoid because sooner or later I know, well, I hope, that we'll get together. So when I look at it from that angle, I don't really know what I'm waiting for.
I think one of the main problems is that all I'm thinking about is the stuff that will change in a bad way. I seem to have forgotten how nice a relationship can be - spending afternoons together, having someone to talk to, someone who genuinely cares about what's best for me. Relationships can be a little too much sometimes, but with the right balance between relationship and personal time then they shouldn't be too stifling. Being away from someone gives you time to miss them so having space between us would actually be a good thing rather than something worth arguing about. It's hard, in the world we live in, to find someone who just cares about your happiness and who likes you for who you are, but, somehow, I seem to have found someone who can actually tick those boxes. When I look at it from that perspective, it doesn't seem like such a bad situation to get myself into ...
Hmmm, maybe I have a phone call to make ...