A Typical Day in My Life

By Kate, age 15, Pennsylvania

A Typical Day: Monday, November 28, 2011

5:30 AM Awakened by an annoying Korean pop song emanating from my cell phone alarm.

5:31 AM Begin to think seriously about turning off the alarm.

5:40 AM Force self out of bed to prevent the song from repeating for the eighth time.

5:41 AM Begin flat-ironing the unfortunate Afro that is my hair.

6:07 AM Accidentally burn hand on flat iron. Curse loudly, causing cat to wake up and glare angrily.

6:20 AM Finish extensive flat-ironing process. Begin brushing teeth.

6:23 AM Finish brushing teeth when annoying Korean pop song begins playing from cell phone alarm. Almost decide to change alarm tone to something listenable, but ultimately decide that I would never get up if I actually enjoyed my alarm tone.

6:25 AM Get dressed in cute top, jeans, and sneakers. Realize that top is stained. Change top.

6:27 AM Realize that jeans are eight sizes too big. Look for belt. Remember that all belts in my closet are ugly. Change jeans.

6:32 AM Realize that sneakers look stupid with outfit. Creep stealthily into room inhabited by sleeping parents. Steal a pair of my mother's heels.

6:37 AM Apply lipstick, mascara, and foundation.

6:39 AM Realize that lipstick is too Vegas-y and will attract looks from school administrators. Re-apply lipstick in demure shade of pink.

6:41 AM Realize that new lipstick looks like it belongs to forty-something housewife who belongs to a garden club. Re-apply first shade of lipstick. Douse self in Abercrombie & Fitch perfume.

6:45 AM Go downstairs to breakfast, hoping to find Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

6:47 AM Find that parents have not purchased Cinnamon Toast Crunch, as all shopping was done at Whole Foods. Am forced to choose between granola and weird-looking organic yogurt.

6:50 AM Reluctantly resign self to choking down yogurt.

7:00 AM Loudly yell, "I'm going to the train station!" in the hopes that my parents will decide to drive me.

7:02 AM Sulkily walk to the train station, wishing I had attentive parents like Chelsea's.

7:13 AM Board train. Am unable to find seat in quiet car. Decide that this doesn't matter, since probably no one will talk to me at seven o'clock in the morning.

7:15 AM Profess belief in Mormonism when grandmotherly Jehovah's Witness takes seat next to me and asks if I would like a brochure.

7:30 AM Am forced to change seats because Jehovah's Witness refuses to stop glaring at me.

7:50 AM Enter school building. Realize that locker has been emptied of textbooks.

7:53 AM Ask my two mischievous male friends, Jay and Matthew, where my textbooks are. Receive unsatisfactory and cryptic replies.

7:57 AM Torture Jay by calling him "my cutie batootie teddy bear." Retrieve stolen books from his locker.

8:07 AM Chug Vitamin Water during Devotions to prevent unexpected napping during History.

- History and Biology -

10:00 AM Text father to inform him of C- test grade in biology. Receive condescending text that reads, "As long as you tried."

10:03 AM Scarf down Doritos to make up for disappointingly healthy breakfast.

10:07 AM Realize that assignment book is missing. Threaten to hug Jay unless its location is revealed.

10:08 AM Retrieve assignment book from Matthew's backpack.

10:25 AM Resolve to spend free period productively by completing homework.

10:30 AM Accidentally spend free period searching for old photographs of math teacher in school yearbooks from the nineteen-eighties. Resolve that this will not happen again.

- Precalculus -

11:40 AM Begin history homework.

11:53 AM Finish history homework.

11:54 AM Begin biology homework.

12:00 PM Finish biology homework.

12:01 PM Begin precalculus homework.

12:03 PM Become frustrated with lack of mathematical ability. Ask for help.

12:08 PM Realize that even after hearing a long and detailed explanation, I am still incapable of completing first problem of precalculus homework. Write random song lyrics in margin of paper so it looks like I have taken the explanation to heart and am trying to complete the problem.

12:10 PM Finally complete first problem of precalculus homework.

12:11 PM Realize that answer is completely wrong.

12:40 PM Realize that I have wasted 30 minutes doodling instead of working on precalculus.

12:43 PM Realize I have no idea how to complete second precalculus problem. Decide to return to first problem.

12:45 PM Realize I have no idea how to complete first problem, either. Decide to move on with life.

12:47 PM Begin nagging extremely smart friend Jessica to go to lunch early while skillfully evading questions about whether or not my precalculus homework has been completed.

1:03 PM Become frustrated with lack of sushi in cafeteria. Am forced to eat disgusting iceberg lettuce. Decide that lack of nutrition is causing my failures in precalculus.

1:07 PM Describe my math-related problems to my popular-but-widely-regarded-as-stupid friend Tiffany. Agree heartily when she describes her difficulties with problem number seven, while secretly admiring her ability to complete problems one through six.

1:23 PM Tackle my friend Idina in hallway. Receive baffled looks from onlookers.

- Spanish -

3:07 PM Sit on my friend Alice's lap for a few moments before remembering that she is ninety pounds and I am most likely crushing her. Switch to my friend Sarah's lap, even though she is similarly skinny and likely will break in half. Resolve to eat fewer Doritos so that I don't accidentally kill my friends.

3:15 PM Casually ask Alice for help with precalculus. Receive explanation but am unable to pay attention to math for more than two seconds. Come away from explanation similarly confused.

3:37 PM Realize that Jehovah's Witness from the morning train ride is on the afternoon train ride as well. Consider becoming a Jehovah's Witness in order to make any future interactions between us less awkward, but decide that it is not worth the effort of attending religious services.

4:01 PM Receive text from mother requesting that I purchase and prepare dinner for the family. Wonder if my family would enjoy a dinner consisting of Doritos and Diet Coke.

4:17 PM Purchase sushi from cooperative grocery store, as everything else looks suspiciously hard to make.

4:18 PM See a sign-up sheet for a birthing class when I am in line. One of the names on the sign-up sheet is clearly a man's name. Wonder out loud why this can be, and am enlightened by a politically correct individual who chooses to inform me in a haughty tone that the man might be transgender. Decide never to enter an organic grocery store again.

5:03 PM "Prepare" sushi by putting it on plates. Am satisfied with my own culinary skills.

7:00 PM Finally finish first precalculus problem. Decide to do others later.

8:29 PM Finish all other homework. Decide that I must finish precalculus before going to bed.

10:23 PM Get halfway through second problem before giving up and watching YouTube videos of puppies.

10:33 PM Realize that I am being sidetracked. Start second precalculus problem again, as I have lost my train of thought.

10:38 PM Wonder what SAT score is required for entry into a second-tier college. Wonder if I can achieve this score without completing precalculus homework.

11:03 PM Am asked by mother if I have finished my homework yet. Give noncommittal answer.

11:04 PM Become convinced that there is a mosquito somewhere in my dining room. Begin futile search for imaginary mosquito.

11:06 PM Am informed by my politically incorrect mother that I clearly need Ritalin and should finish my homework.

11:13 PM Notice that it is 11:13. Realize that 13 is an unlucky number and my death in the next minute is extremely likely. Decide to stop doing my precalculus homework, which is a waste of time if I am just going to die.

11:14 PM Am disappointed when my death fails to occur. Begin problem number two again.

12:39 AM Finish problem number two. Realize that it is impossible for me to get more than four hours of sleep. Decide that I am unfortunately unable to complete my precalculus homework at this time.

12:53 AM Go to bed. Have math-related nightmares.

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