Emptiness
By Kimberly, age 18, California
What I am writing about this time around is for girls who are feeling like I have been feeling lately. As some of you may know, I wrote a previous article called "Suicide" (April '09) about my experience with it. Well, what I am writing today is a second part to that, or you might say, a continuation of it.
My life lately has been horrible, meaning everything in my life has been going wrong, from school to money issues, and also things with me. I have been majorly depressed and just feeling as if I am not really here in the world. It is like I get up and do the same thing every day, but with no emotion attached to it and no happiness at all. I just wake up and get through the day as fast as I can so I can sleep. Sleeping for me lately has been the only thing to make me happy. As horrible as it may be to say this, it's truly the one thing that does make me happy.
Being out in the real world with people while they are all happy and having their boyfriends or girlfriends just makes me really sad because I want to feel like that, yet I do not. I don't feel like the person I once was, and I feel as if I will never get her back. I am feeling very alone and like no one in the world can help me with how I am feeling about myself and how much I want to have a special someone in my life. It feels so empty because knowing that I have family and some close friends is a good thing, but at the same time I feel like I have a huge gaping hole in me, and it's because I don't have someone special in my life. People say you don't need a guy or girl in your life to make you happy, but the thing is people who say that are usually the ones with the boyfriend or girlfriend.
I am mainly writing this to tell other girls who are feeling the same way I am feeling that they are not alone, and trust me, I am feeling EXACTLY the same way. Even a year after my suicide attempt it is still with me to this day, and truthfully I have been in such a dark place in the last two months that I have thought about doing it again, to the point where I have taken the pills.
I am telling the world this because I feel it is important to share my experience with girls my age so they know that they are not alone. I don't have anyone in my life who feels the same way as I do, so my only outlet for getting out all the pain I have is writing because without it I am sure I would be dead right about now. I am at a point where feeling like I don't belong in this world and all the emptiness I am feeling is just getting tired. I want all of it to end because when I am starting to feel like I am okay something comes along and I am right back where I started, and honestly I have been like this ever since my suicide attempt. Pills just give me the numbness I need in my life to stop everything I am feeling and thinking about myself.
I can say I am truly jealous of a lot of the people in my life, especially my good friend Mayra, because she is so strong, and she finally has almost everything she wants, from the perfect boyfriend to sorority sisters who love her, a new apartment, and other things as well. I just wish I were to the point where I was happy with who I am and what I do have in my life, but truthfully I am not there yet and not even close.
There is not a day I do not think of ending it all, and that is something I don't think will ever change for me because it will always be a option. But I am trying to hold on the best I can, and that's why I want to share this with girls my age so that you can all see that you're not alone.
