By Kimberly, age 18, California

What I am writing about this time around is for girls who are feeling like I have been feeling lately. As some of you may know, I wrote a previous article called "Suicide" (April '09) about my experience with it. Well, what I am writing today is a second part to that, or you might say, a continuation of it.

My life lately has been horrible, meaning everything in my life has been going wrong, from school to money issues, and also things with me. I have been majorly depressed and just feeling as if I am not really here in the world. It is like I get up and do the same thing every day, but with no emotion attached to it and no happiness at all. I just wake up and get through the day as fast as I can so I can sleep. Sleeping for me lately has been the only thing to make me happy. As horrible as it may be to say this, it's truly the one thing that does make me happy.

Being out in the real world with people while they are all happy and having their boyfriends or girlfriends just makes me really sad because I want to feel like that, yet I do not. I don't feel like the person I once was, and I feel as if I will never get her back. I am feeling very alone and like no one in the world can help me with how I am feeling about myself and how much I want to have a special someone in my life. It feels so empty because knowing that I have family and some close friends is a good thing, but at the same time I feel like I have a huge gaping hole in me, and it's because I don't have someone special in my life. People say you don't need a guy or girl in your life to make you happy, but the thing is people who say that are usually the ones with the boyfriend or girlfriend.

I am mainly writing this to tell other girls who are feeling the same way I am feeling that they are not alone, and trust me, I am feeling EXACTLY the same way. Even a year after my suicide attempt it is still with me to this day, and truthfully I have been in such a dark place in the last two months that I have thought about doing it again, to the point where I have taken the pills.

I am telling the world this because I feel it is important to share my experience with girls my age so they know that they are not alone. I don't have anyone in my life who feels the same way as I do, so my only outlet for getting out all the pain I have is writing because without it I am sure I would be dead right about now. I am at a point where feeling like I don't belong in this world and all the emptiness I am feeling is just getting tired. I want all of it to end because when I am starting to feel like I am okay something comes along and I am right back where I started, and honestly I have been like this ever since my suicide attempt. Pills just give me the numbness I need in my life to stop everything I am feeling and thinking about myself.

I can say I am truly jealous of a lot of the people in my life, especially my good friend Mayra, because she is so strong, and she finally has almost everything she wants, from the perfect boyfriend to sorority sisters who love her, a new apartment, and other things as well. I just wish I were to the point where I was happy with who I am and what I do have in my life, but truthfully I am not there yet and not even close.

There is not a day I do not think of ending it all, and that is something I don't think will ever change for me because it will always be a option. But I am trying to hold on the best I can, and that's why I want to share this with girls my age so that you can all see that you're not alone.

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February & March Magazine Issues

March 15, 2012

The February and March issues of Sweet Designs Magazine are now online, featuring a combined 53 new articles and features!!

- Cover: Stephanie Lynn reflects on 5 years
- Cover: India (of Darn-licious knitwear)
- Life in the dumps (moving in with my bf)
- The difference between men and women
- Angels among us (parts 1 and 2)
- Arts graduates & the dark night of the soul
- Triple threat (how I survived my teen yrs)
- Dating isn't easy (my true story)
- How to turn not-so-great gifts ... (fashion)
- Ten reasons to love being single
- Taking the big leap (college)
- Valentine's Day (not what you'd expect!)
- The last of the cold (hopefully) (fashion)
- A month full of love
- Ten tips for successful airline travel
- Reasons I love writing for SDM
- Who needs love?
- They're not all the same
- The life I'm glad I don't have (fiction)
- Professional dress/ finding Fendi (fashion)
- An airport anniversary: a true story
- Inappropriate Facebook photos
- The perks of a big city (college)
- A night(mare) to forget (part 2)
- The Anita Blake series (book review)
- Saving June by Hannah Harrington (book)
- Under the Mesquite by GG McCall (book)
- The Lullaby by Sarah Dessen (book)
- If I Stay by Gayle Foreman (book review)
- My sweetheart (original poetry)
- Isn't it funny (original poetry)
- The stranger (original poetry)
- A winter wonderland (original poetry)
- One night valentine
- The thick envelopes (college acceptance)
- Southern love
- Healthy hair and vitamins
- It's a date (dating idea alternatives)
- The 30 hour famine
- School's out forever!
- Marching right back into spring? (fashion)
- Dear John
- When TV shows depict your life
- 3 Fun ways to rock spring's hottest trends
- Neglected teeth
- Starting something new
- Guy movies
- To hesitate or dive in?
- Deadly, by Julie Chibbaro (book review)
- Beastly, by Alex Flinn (book review)
- I don't care (poetry)
- Together, alone (poetry)

Sweet Designs Magazine
The Magazine You Can Write For
The Voice of a New Generation


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