Can You and Your Ex Be "Best Friends"?
By Mia, age 17, North Carolina
Sweet Advice Featured Columnist
Lisa, age 13, writes:
My ex's name is Kyle and we dated for about three weeks. I broke it off because I was really unhappy with the way things were going. I don't think I was picky, but I know what I want. We have been separated for over a month now, but I still think about him 24/7. When I broke up with him he agreed that it would be best if we stayed as "just friends", but when school started he was very rude and nothing like I expected him to be. The part that really gets to me is that just when things seemed to be getting better between us, we had a HUGE blow out. He p***ed me off because he kept telling me how much he loves me and wants to get back together, but then he turns around and asks me to say yes to his bff because he's been asking me out for a long time.
Please can you help? I don't know what to do. If I ask my friends for advice, they don't even try to help me. I'm always there for them, but it seems like whenever I need help, they're just not interested. Should I tell him how I feel? And if so, how do I do it?
Dating can be a very funny and stressful thing, especially while you're still in school, because knowing, even if the relationship ends, that person will be there every day, 180 days out of the year. There is nothing wrong with being picky, but I will guarantee when you do fall in love none of that will matter. What you would have seen as "flaws" won't even be noticeable in your eyes - love truly makes one blind. You know that old saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"...well, that's a little more true than most like to let on (both physically and mentally).
As far as being friends with an ex, that is a very stressful and demanding thing. If you're having problems with his advances and his playing hop scotch (jumping to and fro from his decision), then flat out tell him. There's no sense putting yourself through unnecessary stress, seeing as how you are no longer in that relationship.
Becoming friends with an ex doesn't happen overnight. It takes time to build relationships, just like it does to change one. You can't go from loving or being completely a part of someone's life to "just a friend" in 24 hours; it takes time, like all things do. Most people need to go through "stages of break-up" - in some cases, 4 stages. For example:
1. Breaking up
2. Taking time apart
3. Readjusting to the new change
4. Recreating a relationship
You think about him a lot because he is someone you cared for and shared some precious times of your life with. Take a moment to sit and talk with him, explain how you feel, and tell him you want to take a complete break.
Take your time. You're young. You may find you don't want to try and build a relationship. For example, be like, "Hey Kyle, I need to say to you that I am uncomfortable with your mixed signals, and I want to take a complete time apart so we can both get used to this new relationship, and maybe come back to build a newer, better friendship. I think we both new closure, so we can move on and create this new relationship." Talk it out, express your true feelings, and don't dwell on the past too long.
You're young, and the teenage years will only bring more break-ups and more drama, not only from boyfriends, but best friends too. So learn all you can from life's mysterious plots, and move on and grow from your experiences.
While on the subject of "Best friend stress",
Kassie, age 14, writes:
I have a best friend, and there is one girl who thinks my best friend is her best friend. She makes songs about my best friend and their friendship. She's always there. The girl will even ignore me when I'm around. I really dislike her, but I don't want to say anything because my best friend still likes her. Even though my best friend tells me it's okay and ignores her because I'm still her best friend, it doesn't help. I'm still constantly worried she'll take her from me. I love my BFF so much. I don't want her taken away. Please tell me what should I do.
No one will ever break the bond you two share - best friends are for life. You shouldn't worry about that other girl - she's just trying to be nice and have fun. You should also remember people can have more than one good or best friend. Every friend you have in your life will bring different, fun personalities and experiences. You can't be possessive with your best friends because this will only lead to trouble and fights. You should try to be nice to this other girl too, because you may not know it, but it could lead to another friendship.
What you should do? Nothing, except be nice and try to talk with her, and join in on the conversations and songs. You two already share one thing in common - you both really like your best friend. So if she thinks your best friend is cool, then she already shows she likes the personality and stuff she does, which means she might share a lot of the same interests as you. You can't tell a frog not to eat flies, and you can't tell people who their friends can be. Give her a chance and see where it goes.
Wishing You New Exciting Friends,
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