Mia Says: Two Guys & I Want Them Both
By Mia, age 17, North Carolina
Sweet Advice Featured Columnist
Okay, I really like a guy named Rai. He's really sweet, he's always making time for me, he truly is a great person, and adds on to my happiness. But there's a problem ... Riley (the guy I've always loved and cared for) asked me to marry him. Riley and I have had our ups and downs, but we always come back to each other and work things out. He's also a very great person who adds on to my happiness. He's there whenever I need him. Of course, I agreed to marry Riley once I graduated from school. I was very happy and secure with my decision until a few days ago when Rai told me he loved me. No, I'm not in love with him, but I truly care for him. I feel so selfish for not being able to tell him that I agreed to marry Riley. Part of me wants to keep Rai too. I want them both. They both show me love and support that I never really received from anyone except my mom. What should I do? I know that I want to be marry Riley, but it's so hard to let Rai go. :( I don't know what to do.
It's no understatement to say that I've been where you are. I know it's a hard thing choosing the path your life will go, and sometimes you think more than anything you're ready for it, but really you're not. Honestly, how I feel about this is, if you truly love Riley and he's 'the one', you wouldn't want both of them. It's not fair to Riley, to be with him and still want someone else.
From what you say, you're not ready to make this decision; you're still curious about what is out there. I was 15 when I got married. I'd never been more sure of anything in my life. Then, when we divorced, I realized I'd given up a lot of things I didn't have to, like dating, meeting new people, and having fun. If you were so sure - 100% sure - you wanted to marry him, then you wouldn't be wanting to keep both and you wouldn't be afraid to announce something like that to anyone. It's like you're ashamed or scared of losing your backup (Rai).
So this is all the advice I have - tell Riley the truth. Take a break. If Riley really loves you he will wait while you figure out what you want. Go on a few dates with Rai, and if even for a second you doubt being with Riley, then stop where you are and tell him you don't want to marry him. Don't ruin your or Riley's chance at happiness if you're not sure what you want out of life just yet.
Editor's Note: At the risk of being blunt - please pardon me - but from everything you're saying, Diamond, it is clear you are not ready for marriage. Enjoy being a teen and young adult a few more years. Then you'll look back and see you weren't at all ready when you were 17. Date one or the other or both, but be honest and don't lead either of them on. I'm with Mia all the way on this.
- Stephanie Lynn