Attracted to Older Men
By Kate, age 19, New Hampshire
Sweet Designs Staff Intern
Sweet Designs Featured Writer
Let me start by saying this: you can't control who you are attracted to. Everyone is attracted to someone older at least once in their life. Maybe it's a huge celebrity crush, maybe it's your mom's friend's son who is ten years older than you. Whoever it is, it happens. I bet he's hot, nice, and has a great bod! Trust me, you're not alone on this!
However, there is a difference between an attraction and dating. You can be attracted to someone, but not want to date the person. I'm attracted to Eric Dane, a celebrity on my favorite TV show, Grey's Anatomy. He is soooo incredibly good looking! But he's probably at least 30 or 40 years old. That doesn't mean I want to date him.
But, if this person is someone you want to date, then your parents are right to not let you, especially if he's more than eight years older than you. Even someone five years older than you is a bit high, especially since you're only 15. Your parents are just trying to protect you. Dating someone over the age of 20 isn't just a scary thing for your parents, but it can be hard on the both of you as well. While you're still in high school, he's probably in college, going to parties, meeting other girls, maybe even in a college really far away from you. He's more mature than you, thinks differently than high school guys, and wants something more than a high school relationship.
I'm sure he's really nice, funny, and good looking, but if he's not in high school, it will cause a lot of drama and heartbreak. Your parents don't want to see you get hurt or used, or end up with a bad crowd, and I feel the same way. I don't want to see you end up on the wrong path, even if he is the most good looking guy you've ever seen!
My advice is that you forget about him. It's okay to be attracted, even friends if you want, but don't push it to be anything serious. You might not even be ready for something like that, and no one wants to see you get hurt. There's a lot to realize when it comes to older men, especially if they aren't in high school, and you need to be aware of that. I don't know you or your situation, so I don't want to judge or assume the worst, but I'll give you the worst case scenario. If you're a virgin, most likely he isn't. If he can't have sex with you, he'll move on to someone who will. He probably parties all the time with friends, drinking alcohol, maybe even getting into drugs. If you're not into that, and I hope you're not, he might try to pressure you to do so. If not, he'll probably go partying without you and end up with another girl. If you do drink, you might do something you regret.
Again, that's a worst case scenario. He might be a really nice guy and doesn't pressure you to do anything, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think about it. And you don't want to end up on the wrong path in life. I can't stress that enough. Keep your attraction for him as an attraction. And remember, he's not the only good looking guy in the world. You will find someone closer to your age, someone your parents will approve of. And someone way better than this guy anyway. Keep your doors open.
* * * * *
He's Had a Rough Life
So I dated this boy named Justin for 3 months. I really like him and he says he really likes me, but I didn't feel like he really had feelings for me. I lived with him since we got together, and now, 3 months later, he thinks it's best if he moves on. He didn't really treat me right, he's not boyfriend material, but he's had a very rough life so I overlook his troubles and do my best to help him.
The thing is, we ALWAYS end up getting back together, and I'm not so sure I really want to. We are going to the movies this weekend, and it'll be the first time we ever did anything together, and now I wanna just cancel the plans. Would I be a bad person if I canceled on him because going to the movies isn't gonna help me get over him? Or should I just go to the movies and see how things go? I'm soo confused.
First off, I'm sure by now the weekend has come and gone. I'm not sure if you decided to go to the movies with him, but if you did, that's okay. If not, that's okay, too. I'm not sure how things worked out. Maybe you had fun? Or maybe it was awkward? However the movies went, my personal opinion is that you should stop seeing him.
I don't know your back story with this guy - when you started dating, or anything like that - but from what I read, I think it's time you move on. You even said that you didn't think he really had feelings for you. Trust yourself. If that's what you think, and he hasn't proven himself otherwise, why be with someone who doesn't share the same feelings as you? It always ends up in heartbreak.
Secondly, don't make excuses for him. Okay, fine, maybe he's had a rough life, but that is NO excuse for him to treat you badly. If he can't treat you the way you deserve, he doesn't deserve to have you as a girlfriend.
If you're not sure you want to keep getting back together with him, then there's your answer right there. Never, ever, doubt yourself. Canceling plans doesn't make you a bad person, and neither does ending it for good with him.
I'm the kind of person that gives second chances. I keep an open mind to see how things go. Again, I don't know how the movies went, but if you keep breaking up with him, I think that's a sign right there. Especially if you don't think you want to be with him anymore. Don't ignore your feelings. Do what will make you happy.
Of course, that doesn't mean you won't miss him or regret ending it. Breakups are hard for everyone, even when they're with the worst possibly boyfriend. You want things to work, but sometimes the best thing is to let go. Based on what you've told me, I think it's best that you let go. It will be hard at first. You might miss him and might want to give him another chance, but it seems like you've given him enough already. Don't let him pull you around. Stand up for yourself and do what is best for you. It might mean being upset over a breakup, but at least you won't be treated badly and won't have to go through any more heartbreak.
I wish the best of luck to you and hope everything works out. Stay strong!
* * * * *
Can't Get Him Outta My Head
So I was going out with this guy for almost a year. We broke up last November. He went out with my best friends and a few other girls I did not like. I had major feelings for this kid and he hurt me bad by playing with my emotions after the whole relationship. It's been six months since the whole break up and he's with another girl. I have a boyfriend now but I still hate seeing them together. Thing is, I don't know if I still have feelings for him or not. Occasionally memories seem to pop in my head and I start crying. I really hate feeling like this but I just don't know what to do. It's hard to get over after everything he and I went through.
First of all, it's okay to miss him. It's okay to hate seeing him with other girls. It's okay! You have every right to feel the way you do, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Breakups are always hard, especially when you really liked the person. It can take a lot of time to get over it. It's easier for some people than others. You don't need to worry. Take your time getting over him. I promise you, your feelings eventually will fade.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I had my first really serious boyfriend. I was crazy for him. We did a lot together and spent every moment we could with each other. After nine months, he dumped me and started dating my best friend, who was also my neighbor! I was so hurt and upset; it took a really bad toll on me, not just emotionally, but physically. I let my emotions get the best of me and it didn't make things any easier.
But now, I am happily dating someone one hundred times better! We've been together for a year and a half and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. Sometimes I still think about my ex. I mean, he was my first real relationship. But once I realized my life wasn't over, things got better. And, I found someone so much better!
So, for now, don't worry about the memories or the feelings. Eventually, they will be replaced by better memories and feelings for someone else. It's okay to let yourself cry every now and then, but remember, your life isn't over! There's so many guys out there, I promise you will find someone a hundred times better! Just keep your chin up and a smile on your face, and you will find that special person.
And don't forget your current boyfriend! Don't let your feelings for your ex get in the way of some great feelings with this new guy. Give him a chance. Feel crazy in love with him if that's how you feel! It might last forever, it might not, but don't let the fear get in the way of creating more amazing memories.