Sweet Advice

By Stephanie Lynn


My Very Own Mean Girl

Okay, so I've been friends with this girl, Lauren, since kindergarten. She was my best friend for a while. She was never exactly the nicest person, but I put up with her meanness because she was close with the rest of my friends and I didn't want to cause trouble. However, this year she just started to pick on me for no apparent reason. I put up with it for a while, but finally I couldn't take it anymore and told her to stop. Bad idea - it started a huge war between me & her.

None of my other friends wanted to get involved. They claimed that they "weren't going to take sides", but at the same time always invited to her to parties and sleepovers while I wasn't invited to anything. When I asked them why, they said that we always got into catfights when we were around each other. I suppose that was true, but if they really wanted to stay out of it, wouldn't it be more fair for them to invite neither of us instead of just her? Ever since that incident, it seems like all of my friends have abandoned me - they hang out with each other and throw parties without me all the time. I don't want to be jealous, but how can I help it? They claim that they're my "best friends" but don't really act like it. I've tried talking to them about it, but they get upset when I do, saying that I'm "getting jealous about nothing". What should I do?
Chellie, 14

First, end this battle - it's just drama. I'm not trying to be nasty, but it sounds like you both need to just drop it. Believe it or not, I got into a fight last year over a boy. Long story short, she was talking about me. I asked her about it and things got a little out of hand. Well, she realized all the friends she had were fake, so she got new ones, and some of them are my friends. So we act as if we do not know each other. Maybe instead of waiting for them to invite you, just show up. They're your best friends so you can join in.

There's always a "mean girl" in the group. I was that girl when I was younger. Nothing bothers them more than to see you not suffering. Your friends do not see it the way you do; they see it as you freaking out. Just take a step back (and a deep breath) and just think. Walk up to whomever you're the closest to and say, "Hey, I'm not jealous, I'm hurt ... I don't understand why I never get invited. Am I missing something?" Try that. You never know till you try everything.

I Thought She Was My Friend

I have this one friend ...Well, I THOUGHT she was my friend ... We've been friends for almost 2 years now, and just few days ago I found out that she's actually hated me ever since. Apparently my personality was annoying for her. What hurt me was that she never told me that. Why was she my friend in the first place? And she's telling this to my other friend to tell me? When I heard this I broke down and I thought that everything was over for me. Now I'm actually blaming myself for all these conflicts. Yes, I am the loud, confident, practical girl. I expect the people who are my friends to like me for who I am, not hate me for who I am but still be my friend. I mean, that's messed up!

I honestly am begging to die some nights when I am overly depressed about this and other conflicts.


You can't blame yourself for being who you are. You can, however, blame your friend for not being up front with you at all. You can't beat yourself up over one rotten friend. If I were put in your position (which I have been, many times) I would confront your old friend to find out why she never told you in the first place. If she can't even give you a straight answer, she was never worth your time in the first place. You've got to learn that you can't let someone get you down because they don't like you. I mean, I understand being friends for two years, but if after all that time it turns out your "friend" didn't like you, was she really worth it in the first place? I mean, putting in time and effort to be friends with someone who doesn't like you is just a waste of time, and you should be glad that it's no longer a burden in your life. Well, not necessarily glad, but at least you now know the truth, and can move on and hopefully find better friends. I hope this helps, and that your situation will work itself out.

Sarah VH

My BFF Betrayed Me

I make friends over the internet. One time I met this girl who was really nice and we started talking. Over the course of 4 months we became best friends. When I make friends, usually I kind of depend on them and use them as crutches because I'm actually a weak person. In April she forgot my birthday. We got into a fight about it, but it only lasted about a week.

Around early May, she kept talking about her neighbor Jesse who thought I was pretty and really cool. I'm really dumb so I fell for it. I was dating a boy from my school but we ended up breaking up. When she found out she told her friend to come talk to me. He added me on MSN and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. Being dumb, I agreed. After a week I was in 'love' because he was sweet and funny and sensitive.

One night I was on the popular chat room I usually go in. Me and another person had a joke because we were both dating a 'Jesse' but his was a girl and mine was a boy. We were joking and he said, "Silly girl", and my friend said, "You'd better be nicer; you and her have a lot in common ... if you know what I mean ;)" After that he messaged me and asked me if I loved Jesse. I said, "Idk, maybe". Then he proceeded to tell me about a cruel joke my 'friend' had played on me. Jesse was actually her friend who was a girl. She was also the same 'Jesse' that the person was dating. She and my friend had decided to prank me.

After I found out I was devastated, not because 'Jesse' didn't exist, but because my best friend had betrayed me. The next day I tried talking to her. I told her how I felt. And her friend was on her screen name, but she was there. Her friend said, "Wow, your best friend is online; you're really pathetic!" and then my 'friend' proceeded to take over and say that she has no regret for what she did. Her friend typed also that I was obsessed with the girl and that it was kind of creepy. I don't know what to do. Every time I try and think about it I start crying. She was my best friend and she betrayed me terribly. What should I do?
Allison, 13

My first impulse is to preach a message of caution about the kinds of people you often meet on the internet. But I'm sure you're cautious, or at least a lot more careful than before, about trusting information, or for that matter what's in your heart, to a relatively newfound iFriend.

The other message has to do with the danger of being too needy, too dependent on friends. The tendency then is to do this with guys too, and it will scare them away.

Ok, that out of the way, sadly, you were set up as the naive victim of a sick, heartless prank. Some jokes are funnier than others. Some aren't funny at all. Some people feel lifted up (temporary as it is) from knocking someone else down. The potential for evil exists within each of us, and its desire is to hurt us and/or others.

You concluded, "She was my best friend and she betrayed me terribly." But the truth is she was never your best friend, because real friends don't do things like that. As for what you can do, learn from it. Learn how selfish actions hurt others. Ask what you yourself do to cause pain to others - friends, family, etc. And learn something about how to (and not to) treat people. Reconciliation is possible, but unlikely - she did it on purpose. Planning revenge is a foolish waste of your energy and puts you on her level. So what's left? Determine to be a healer of relationships, rather than a drama starter. In short, be better than her.
Stephanie Lynn

Your situation must be very hard. That girl that was your "best friend" probably felt that since you don't know her in real life she can do anything to you and play mean jokes on you cause you can't physically go up to her and do something since you're both in cyberspace. You're not dumb for falling for her little trick about that guy because any person would have fallen for that.

My advice would be to not go on that chat room that you talk to her on anymore because it may make you feel worse, and I certainly wouldn't want you to get depressed over this issue. I think you should also try talking to your parents or a friend from school about what happened and how you feel. It will make you feel better because it's never a good thing to keep things bottled up inside.

You're a strong person to actually go back on that chat room and tell her how you feel. Most people wouldn't go back on the computer for a while. Always remember that. :)

Good luck,

Now, if this girl deceived you and has no regret about it, then you need to drop her! You should have friends who want the best for you and not try to humiliate you! I completely understand what you mean by using friends as crutches - that's what friends are for! They are supposed to help you through hard times and be there for you, but someone who treats you like that is not a friend! Try to find friends you can actually be with in person, and rely on them! I promise you will find them to mean much more to you than internet acquaintances!

Lots of love,

First of all, it is not safe at all to make friends through the internet. They could be people who are lying about who they are and the age they are. You shouldn't trust any of them or believe anything they say. You should stop going to chat rooms and other places where you purposely meet people online unless it is a safe protected website. But you still must always be cautious.

This friend of yours is only through the internet and might not be who they say they are. They are probably purposely trying to hurt you to make you feel bad about yourself. That is not the kind of friend you should have. You should block this person and hang out with the friends you know personally. They can help you move on and feel better about yourself.

Allison, this is a very cruel joke and you have a right to be upset by it. To be able to play with someone's romantic emotions and laugh about it? Do you even want to be friends with someone who would think it is funny to do something like this and not even be able to apologize for it? Perhaps you think you need to stay friends with this person to be able to use them as a crutch, but you don't. Having a laugh at someone else's expense makes her a weak person, far more weak than you. If you explained that this hurt you and she doesn't care, she was never your friend to begin with.

My BF's Friends Starting to Do Drugs

Okay, so I have this boyfriend Connor. We're okay and everything, but it's his friends. His friends are starting to do drugs, and he knows I won't let him do them, and he's not too into it either. But these friends have been his friends forever, and there aren't really any "new" friends in our school he can make. Can you give me some advice so I can help him?
Julia, 15

If I were you, I would talk to your boyfriend about this. Explain to him that drugs are real dangerous, & it would ruin your relationship together. If they are his real friends, they won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Also, maybe you should try talking to a trusted adult abut his friends doing drugs. It's a serious issue, and I don't want to see them get hurt! Good luck with everything.

My Male Friend Likes Me

So I have a guy friend. We have been friends for about three years. Well, I dated one of his friends for a year, and then we broke up like a month ago because, well, he was a jerk. And some crazy stuff happened with that. Anyway, while I was dating my ex, my friend Tanner told him that he thought he liked me. (Tanner was best friends with my ex.) And so I just kind of blew it off, but still stayed platonic friends. Well, yesterday Tanner told me that he liked me in a note, and didn't think that he had a chance with me, because a few guys like me now that I'm single. I don't want to hurt him because we are really good friends, but I just don't feel the same way about him. I see him as a friend and nothing more. How should I let him know that without hurting his feelings and without it being awkward between us?
Elizabeth, 15

I have the same problem as you, except it's the other way around. I like my best friend (a guy) and he doesn't like me. I think the best thing you can do is tell him that you only like him as a friend, and that you might feel weird if you dated him. That's what my best friend told me, and I just kind of shrugged it off. I don't think it'll hurt his feelings. He might be a little bummed out though. Or you could try dating him, and who knows?! Maybe you will like him back. I still like my best friend, but not as much as I used to, but we talk a lot more about things and it made our relationship better. Maybe it will for you too! Best of luck.

Well, Elizabeth, I've definitely seen and heard problems like this several times from my friends, in the movies, and I've even experienced it myself. I can understand why you would not feel the same way about your friend. I had the same issue with my current boyfriend. I liked him for a long time and then he started going out with one of my friends. I was okay with it for a while, and we were still best friends and he still kind of had a crush on me through his whole relationship. Eventually they broke up, and he was after me right away. But after two years of searching for another guy, I had convinced myself that we were "just friends." Although he still liked me, after a few months or so, I warmed back up to him and now we've been a happy couple for over a year!

So my advice to you is that you tell your friend exactly what you feel. Tell him that you really love him as a friend and don't mean to hurt his feelings but you just don't feel the same right now. If he really likes you, he'll accept your apology and move on, but with you still in the back of his mind. If you find in a little while that you start to like him like that, he'll probably pick you up and grab you at the first instant. It's kind of like having a backup, but in a good way. Just treat him as you would normally, and if something more develops between you two later make the best of it!

Good luck! And I hope my advice will help you!
<3 Briana =]

My BFF Gets All the Guys 'Cuz She Has a Big Butt

Whoever I like my best friend likes too, and she gets all the boys b/c she has a big butt, but we've been friends for 3 years, and idk anymore. I'm confused. People tell me to drop her as a friend but I just can't. PLEASE HELP ME!!
Maria, 13

Maria, if your "best friend" knows that you like these guys, but yet she still goes out with them, then she's probably not a real friend. You should tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't stop, then you should keep your distance. You both can be friends, but not best friends, because it seems as though she has stepped over the friend boundary.

In a way, I have been through this similar problem. My friends usually get all the guys, but not because they have big butts, but because they're gorgeous. Maybe you should talk to her about it, give her your opinion or thoughts. She might realize it's true and maybe she could pass some of the guys your way. Just try talking to her about it, and if she just blows you off then maybe she isn't the greatest friend to have. Hope things work out for you.
<3 Ally

I know exactly what it's like to have a friend who gets all the guys. However, you have to remember that if she gets them because she has a big butt, then they don't really like her for her, but they like her for her body, and you don't want a guy like that! I definitely don't think guys should be a reason for you two not to be friends anymore. Try talking to her about how you feel and see what she thinks about the situation. Just remember that guys come and go, but true friends are there forever!

Divorce Sucks

Whoo, here we go again. I know this is my first time writing to you, but it seems like the BILLIONTH time I've been in this situation. I almost feel as if I'm being pressured into being older than I am, so to speak. My parents are divorced. I have to make decisions constantly involving that, and I always have to pick up the slack of making certain decisions. I know that consequences are a HUGE part of decisions, but I've never seen anyone but me dealing with this much slack.

My brother is moving in with my dad, which is easy for him, because he has few friends that he cares about. I mean, my dad isn't pressuring me. He's saying, "You can if you want." I feel like I am being pressured. I go to my dad's frequently and miss LOTS of events with my friends. Although my dad is flexible, I can NEVER go to any sport things, etc. I feel like I'm drifting from my friends because of it and I'm sick of it. I rarely get to see my friends because my mom barely lets me out of the house. When I'm talking to a friend, and the subject of "best friend" comes up, I'm never mentioned. It seems like every time I get in a fight or something with a friend, I'm replaced, because before the fight I was the "best friend". I know it's bad to place people in order, but sometimes there's that one person, and it seems like I'm not it. I can't really see them as being that person either, because they start changing on me, and whenever I try to confront them, I back down because I'm afraid our relationships will just get worse.

When I go to school I have to try hiding my tears under a smile, and sometimes it's just so hard. I once started crying so hard when our teacher was talking about hiding tears under a smile - it related to me so much. I feel like none of my friends know how I really feel. And I'm afraid to get all touchy-feely because I used to be like that, and it seemed like all my friends ever wanted to talk about was someone else in a gossiping way. I've stopped gossiping almost completely, but I do vent every once in awhile. My life is spiraling downhill and I feel like I can't do anything. My friends keep asking me if I'm moving, and I say, "I'm not sure." I've told my dad that I am, and he's filing things, but I'm not sure if I made the right decision. Please help. I need someone. :[
Lena, 13

Sometimes we need to be more mature. You shouldn't feel like you're pressured. It's hard for those who do not have their mother and father in the same living situation. I should know. I only live with my mother. I don't want to see my father, but that's me. Plus, he lives in another state. But that's totally beside the point. I know how it is though. So YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Have no fear!!!

But, alas, everyone experiences the drifting away thing. I've experienced it also. If they truly are your friends, they should understand. Yeah, I know, it sucks big time. They should understand that you aren't always able to do things. I have to deal with a lot of stuff because of my "best friends". You know they do understand. It's just that they want to see me, and in your case, you. But still, it's going to be a bit harder.

I know parents have their own way of giving us a guilt trip. MY MOM DOES IT ALL THE TIME. Maybe she doesn't mean to or maybe she does. But they almost always do, just like any other person. I know this sounds really bad, but just think good thoughts. The power of the mind is a beautiful thing.

I hope this helped in some way.

My "Friends" Say I'm a Liar

Okay, so my old friend Ciara and her new friend Stacey think they know one of my ex-boyfriends. I know it's not the same person I dated, but they don't believe that I didn't date him. They asked him if I dated him, and he said no - obviously - because it's the wrong person, but now they're telling EVERYONE that I lie about dating people ... What do I do?
Amanda, 13

This answer may seem silly at first, but I will explain. Let people talk. Let your friends gossip. The more you fight them, the more they are going to make of the situation. If you just let it be, they are going to lose interest in your life and move on to some other drama. At first it is going to be hard not to want to argue back, but it is for the best. If your friends then say, "See, you aren't fighting it - this must be true," tell them, "I know the truth, and I don't need to justify myself to you."

Tell them they can believe what they want, but if they really were your friends they would believe you and believe that you don't lie to them, and they would not make up lies about you. In the end, Amanda, you know the truth, no matter what gossip will happen.

Also, you may want to talk to the guy who is involved and apologize to him for getting stuck in the situation and you are trying to stop it.

Good Luck,

Well, first you should confront them about why they are saying those rumors. If you dated someone it is none of their concern. They may think you dated a different guy and are spreading rumors about it. But as long as you know the truth it should be fine. When you yourself are confronted by others about your situation you should tell the truth, that you've never dated that boy. And that they must have you or him confused with someone else. Best of luck to you.

Hey hun, school can be tough enough as it is without people spreading rumors. If they ever were your friends, they should understand that 1) You did not go out with him, and 2) You never lied. But at the moment it doesn't really seem like they are being true friends.

But you have to look at the other side of the story. Did they get mad at you? Because maybe now they've got some weird vendetta. But if you can't see that then you need to go and talk to them. Give them everything very straight. Tell them you'd like them to stop. It may not help much, but it's better then nothing. Yeah, you may have to sit and listen to all this that isn't true, but you can make it right. Don't forget that.

Are They Really My Friends??

Hey. Well, today (yes, today) my friend and I were talking about hanging out, and we'd been talking about it for about a week. So she said, "OMG! We have to hang out Friday!" So I said, "Yeah, we should." So today I asked her again and she said yes. So then at the end of the day she said, "Okay, are you hanging out with so-and-so? [So-and-so is my other friend.] And I said, "No." So she said, "Well, call me when you get home." And I said, "Sure."

So a few minutes later she told me, "Well, ok, don't tell her we're hanging out, because I asked her to hang, because I didn't know if you could." So I'm used to this by now because every one of my friends treats me like crap, and I wait by the phone and am nice to them, not to be immodest. So, I said, "Okies." ... But a lil suspicious. And then she went ok.

So so-and-so came out and she started calling to see if she could hang. And I tried to get my friend's attention, but she didn't pay attention. So I walked out while they were walking together, and she [the friend that first said we should hang on Fri] came out and said, "Maybe we can all hang."

So later in the car we were talking. So when we arrived they got out, and then I did, and I was opening the trunk. I asked my friend who said we should hang out on Friday to use her phone, and she went, "Sure." So I started calling my mom, and I asked if we should all hang out, and so-and-so didn't say anything and looked at me all weird. So I canceled the call and said, "You have a text message." Obviously right now I wanted my friend who said we should hang out on Fri to say something, but it was too late. I wanted her to actually say, "Oh, sorry I was hanging out with her", and although it would get so-and-so mad, she would stick to what she had said.

But no. What did I expect? She does this ALL the time, and I guess I hoped for too much. They then said bye, and I said, "Ok, BYE!" and walked home. She [the Friday friend] also told me we should have a sleepover, but then told my other friend [so-and-so] that she was having her mom pick her up.

I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, and I have no right to be mad, or do I have a right? I'm thinking I should get used to this, but I guess I can't because they really may be my friends. I don't know what to do, and I'm so frustrated. HELP, PLEASEE!!!!!!!!
Nel, 14

This is a real 13-15 age issue. EVERY kid goes through it in some form ... well, most do. Alliances are made and unmade, and friendships betrayed on a weekly basis. Later most rifts are healed - some never are. I wrote an article in the very first issue of Sweet Designs Magazine last February about how my BFF betrayed me to hang with "cooler" kids. It wasn't the only time this kind of thing happened.

Your mom and even your grandmom went through this kind of thing. Some things never change. Kids at this age are testing their social skills, and they frequently hurt each other in the process. Sensitive kids get hurt the worst and the most often, yet that very sensitivity helps make them good friends, and someday good parents.

I'm 23 now. I survived. So will you. Because it's been a few years now, I'm gonna turn this over to my Sweet Advice team. Check back in a week or two and see what they have to say. And stay in touch.
Stephanie Lynn

Dearest Nel. Aren't you tired of your friends being untrue to you all the time? Aren't you tired of having them say things and not mean it? If I were in your position, I'd be frustrated as well. It's not that questionable as for what you should do. I think you're just scared of taking some action. Walk away from them. Don't let them treat you like crap because you know you deserve better. If you don't just want to walk out on your "friendship," try talking to them about it. Yeah, I must admit: talking to friends, such as yours, and trusting them to their word, isn't going to be that easy since you know they lie constantly. If you're not worried about your emotional health, I am. Having people treat you unfairly is wrong, and you should know that. Good luck with everything, Nel.
With Love, Jessica Jay

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